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If You Masturbate, You Are … Fabulous

Goddammit, it’s not enough that the world is ending today. Now we have to stop touching ourselves too. Because wanking makes you fabulous.

Don’t misunderstand me — it’s okay to be fabulous. Nothing wrong with it. Some of my best friends are fabulous. There are fabulous clubs right here in my hometown, and I see fabulous people walking around in my own neighborhood. There are fabulous parades and celebrations in major cities all over the world. After generations of being considered second-class citizens, the fabulous have earned respect and equality. Continue reading “If You Masturbate, You Are … Fabulous”

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You’re All Going to Die and Burn In Hell. Again.

Woe, I say woe unto you, heathen masses! Your time has, I say your time has come!

Deferred Doomsday Due Friday — Or Not

On May 22, an obviously shocked [Harold] Camping emerged from his home to say he was “flabbergasted” that the Rapture stood him up. But then, a couple of days later, like all good doomsday prophets, he had an answer: May 21 was just the beginning; the Rapture would take a lot longer; the real Rapture will happen five months later on Oct. 21.

“What really happened this past May 21st?” Camping asks on his Family Radio website. “What really happened is that God accomplished exactly what He wanted to happen. That was to warn the whole world that on May 21 God’s salvation program would be finished on that day.”

Basically, “Applications for Salvation” closed on May 21. You see, even the Office of God has red tape.

 

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Hello, Clarice.

I realized some years back that the reason we have heroes in movies is really that there are so few of them. We truly do want unbending honesty, and heroic defenders, and powerful people who fight for truth and justice.

But they’re next to impossible to get in real life. Instead we get … George W. Bush. Jesse Jackson. Britney Spears. People who can’t even aspire to be flawed heroes, because though they possess flaws in abundance, they don’t have the required heroism. They’re just people — famous ones, but not very good ones. Continue reading “Hello, Clarice.”

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Patriotism, As Understood by Christians

I guess I missed this when it came out in 2005.

The Statue of Liberation Through Christ “combines Christianity with patriotism to showcase the origins of God’s design for America.”

Taking 5 years to build, at a cost of $260,000, and 72 feet tall, this little beauty stands out front of “World Overcomers” church on the corner of Winchester and Kirby Roads in Memphis, TN, cheek-by-jowl with a dry cleaner, jeweler, convenience store, auto service center and auto glass shop.

“Lady Liberation” rather than Lady Liberty … Continue reading “Patriotism, As Understood by Christians”