50 Things to Do Before I Die

This is a self-indulgent repost of an older piece, freshened by thoughts of my recent 60th birthday:

I stumbled across the title phrase some time back, and Googled it. I found several lists and scrolled through them.

One of them was all “Go watch the Masters golf tournament,” and “Sit ringside at Madison Square Gardens for a boxing match,” and “See the Tour de France in person,” and it just seemed like most of it was a lot of crap you’d do to impress other people, instead of having an adventure exclusively for your own self.

I mean … golf?? Boxing? Sit on your duff and watch OTHER people do stuff? In a crowd? In a CITY?? Sheeeeit. I pass. Continue reading “50 Things to Do Before I Die”

Blasphemy Day Post! Plus Ungodly Recipe!

In case you’ve forgotten, it’s International Blasphemy Day.

And you know, considering they made up a whole international holiday and stuff, it would be a sin not to pitch in and enjoy the day to its fullest. You know, insulting Mohammad. Insulting Jesus. Dressing up as nuns and priests and doing an obscene song and dance number. Posting some fun blasphemous comics online. Continue reading “Blasphemy Day Post! Plus Ungodly Recipe!”

Politics: Getting “Nailed” by Jesus, and Bush

(This is a repost, slightly edited, from 2008.)

Say you did something you thought was good at the time, but later turned out to be bad. You could admit the mistake. Or you could refuse to admit it.

Any sensible person would probably say the first option was the best one. If you can admit a mistake, you can probably do something to fix it, or correct your course so you don’t do it again. And you can move on.

The second option has some variations built into it, argumentative positions that might replace the simple “I didn’t make a mistake” with: Continue reading “Politics: Getting “Nailed” by Jesus, and Bush”

Don’t Ever Assume I’m (Only) a Nice Guy

Maybe it’s just one of those pre-coffee grumpy mornings, but here’s a story that’s got my back-fur (*) up. It’s about a TSA agent (those uniformed Nazis sweetly smiling public servants in the airport who care about nothing more than the safety of the flying public) who allegedly stole an iPad and took it home.

We have a lot of anti-government rhetoric flying around in the U.S. right now, mainly, it seems, from idiot teabaggers and freakazoid anti-American Republicans using it as a screen for their racist hatred of President Obama.

The line they’ve drawn is so extreme, so viciously nutty, that I have been surprised at times to find myself on the same side of the line as government.

But then a story like this comes up. Continue reading “Don’t Ever Assume I’m (Only) a Nice Guy”

Short Stack #18

Him: “Why do you do this? I mean, why do you want to take away people’s faith? Even if they believe things that aren’t true, what is that to you?”

Me: “If you’re walking along a roadway and you see a nail out on the pavement, do you leave it there where it could puncture somebody’s tire, or do you pick it up?”

Him: “What? I pick it up.”

Me: “Yeah, well so do I.” Continue reading “Short Stack #18”

#DeathTweets (repost)

Maple Syrup on Pancakes#DeathTweets: Just chugged about a quart of Diet Coke. Now for the Mentos!


#DeathTweets: me and my posse up at the old sanders mansion spoze to be a vampire lives here. yes or no, im bringin back PROOF!


#DeathTweets: whoo boys nite out no idea howw mny driks ive had time to go tho wherz my keys


#DeathTweets: Makin my own fireworks for the 4th this year! Sulfur, saltpeter, charcoal, yeah! Ima grind this shit down to powder now and


#DeathTweets: Can’t believe I’m here in Pamplona, Spain! Whoops, gotta go, I think the bulls are coming!


#DeathTweets: Man, look at this gator just lying in the sun. Ha! Sluggish, stupid reptile! Watch me kick this big bastard in the ass.


#DeathTweets: Texting and driving? I’ve got it wired, man. Hell, I could do this in heavy traf


#DeathTweets: Trying to get the riding mower started, so dark I can’t tell how much gas is in it. Hang on, got my lighter here.


#DeathTweets: Taking pics at the Grand Canyon! If I hang onto this tree limb, I can get a fantastic shot of the river down there.


#DeathTweets: Cleaning up some brush in my yard. Just went down and rented a woodchipper. Never used one before, but hey, how hard can it be?


#DeathTweets: Best bro and me seein how close we can stand to the Amtrak train when it passes by today.


#DeathTweets: Oh, man, scored the coolest new pet! This guy on Craigslist was actually GIVING AWAY a 16-foot python!


#DeathTweets: What a bunch of surf-pussies! Dude, shark is just another word for fish. Hey, I’m not missing these waves!


#DeathTweets: So this biker asshole took my parking place AGAIN. Wait, here he comes. Ha! Wait til he sees what I did to his bike.


#DeathTweets: I’m out 4-wheeling with my Texas cousin! Hang on a sec – he wants me to hold his beer.


#DeathTweets: Parachuting’s a lot cheaper since I learned to pack my own chutes! Geronimo!


#DeathTweets: Having a wonderful time on safari! Oh man, look at that beautiful lion. And so close!

Iran: The Ass End of Progress

Say you’re a country full of people and you have a lot of vital business to conduct to keep everybody fed and housed and healthy and safe. What do you do?

Well, you reach first for this immense tool you have, the most flexible and creative problem-solving device on the planet — the intelligent, educated human brain.

Unless you’re Iran, in which case you forbid HALF your population — half of those problem-solving brains — from getting a full education:

Iranian women banned from 77 university courses

It’s like you take the massed brainpower of an entire country, and with one stroke you lower the total of usable I.Q. by half. That’s like the difference between an I.Q. of 150 and one of 75. Between genius and borderline mentally challenged.

Ha! Think that has no side effects?

Any society that does such a thing, I can’t imagine it has much of a future.