Goddammit, it’s not enough that the world is ending today. Now we have to stop touching ourselves too. Because wanking makes you fabulous.

Don’t misunderstand me — it’s okay to be fabulous. Nothing wrong with it. Some of my best friends are fabulous. There are fabulous clubs right here in my hometown, and I see fabulous people walking around in my own neighborhood. There are fabulous parades and celebrations in major cities all over the world. After generations of being considered second-class citizens, the fabulous have earned respect and equality.

But there will be people — Christians especially — who will look down on you for being fabulous. Because it says it right there in the Bible: If a man is fabulous, it is an abomination.

Some people are just born fabulous. But others … others become fabulous through masturbation.

Yes, wanking, touching yourself … it either leads to fabulousness, or is a clear sign of it.

How do I know?

Because Mark Driscoll, pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, says so. In fact, he says a LOT about masturbation. He dwells on it, in great and loving detail, in Chapter 5

— masturbation —

of his ebook,  Porn-Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography & Masturbation for God’s Men.

First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.

Fortunately, for all of us men who wish to avoid becoming fabulous, there are also, according to Chapter 5,

Practical and Theological
Reasons to Masturbate

Whew.

That’s a load off.