Category: The Light Side

By the second week of January, I’m going to register 200,000 hits on my blog. That’s more views than Salt Lake City has Mormons. I think that means I can start baptizing people posthumously as atheists.

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To my Christian friends: Yes, I’m an atheist, but that doesn’t mean I don’t celebrate or understand the true meaning of Christmas! Here, I’ll prove it: Merry Christmas! May Jesus come down the chimney and leave a quarter under your pillow for every one of your teeth! Continue reading “Short Stack #8”

For reasons I’ve never heard anyone else express, I’m opposed to the death penalty.

But I’m not completely against, you know, HURTING certain people. Hey, some of ’em deserve it! For instance: Spammers. If they had a place where you could get one good slap in on a convicted spammer — maybe for $10 or so — I’d show up.

(If they had a place where they put people who create computer viruses — and, come to think of it, the entire programming team and Help Desk staff at Norton Antivirus — I’d show up with heavy gloves, possibly a buggy whip.) Continue reading “Enlarge Your Penis! Get Out of Debt!”

I’ve been assured, by someone who claims to live in a time zone in which it is already 2012, that rogue nano-assemblers are NOT destroying civilization at the stroke of midnight. Also, the nano-assemblers are NOT on fire, creating a fiery destructive holocaust for all life as we know it.

Repeat, this is NOT happening. Go about your day. Continue to purchase goods and services. Drink hearty tonight when you go out to celebrate.

Do not think about the flaming, rogue nano-assemblers, probably created in government labs by Mad Scientists.

January

On a trip to Lourdes, Rush Limbaugh will fall into a roadside fountain and miraculously regain his hearing. Returning to his radio show, he will realize that he has for several months been farting loudly during his daily radio broadcast, but his devoted listeners have been too polite to tell him. Continue reading “The Great Foxini: Predictions for 2012”

For all my Christian friends and family:

Yes, it’s true I’m an atheist, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand the true meaning of Christmas. Here, I’ll prove it to you:

 

Merry Christmas! May Jesus come down the chimney and leave a quarter under your pillow for every one of your teeth!

PZ, I know you’d love this. Admit it.

Air plant pods. But they look like CEPHALOPODS!

 

If a mouse quits his job, does he have to give two squeaks notice?

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Jeez. Already this morning I had to upgrade the power converters on the warp flux conduits, and install anti-neutrino baffles on the anti-matter plasma feed.

Being a star ship engineer is hard. Continue reading “Short Stack #7”

I’m pretty sure this is going viral, so … first!  (On FTB, anyway.)

And in case you miss the joke, Rick Perry appears to be wearing the same jacket as Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain. (Understand, this is not making fun of gay cowboys; it’s making fun of a “cowboy” who has a visceral dislike of gays.)