January
On a trip to Lourdes, Rush Limbaugh will fall into a roadside fountain and miraculously regain his hearing. Returning to his radio show, he will realize that he has for several months been farting loudly during his daily radio broadcast, but his devoted listeners have been too polite to tell him.
February
Japanese researchers will develop a device that will read cat brainwaves and perfectly translate their meows into human language. It will be discovered that the entire cat vocabulary consists of little more than “Ouuutt naooow!!” “Fooood naooow!!” and a hissing “Waannt fighht!”
March
In a real-life scientific miracle reminiscent of Jurassic Park, geneticists at a small research compound near Florence, Colorado, will reveal they have successfully cloned live dinosaurs. A few days later, due to a mix-up in prison records, Kent Hovind will be released from incarceration at the nearby prison. Musing on God’s creation while waiting for his ride, he will wander into the nearby mountains and be eaten by a pack of escaped velociraptors. Witnesses will report his memorably reverent last words: “Holy shit!”
April
After a private in-home screening of Monty Python’s “Meaning of Life,” Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar will experience a radical epiphany based on the “Miracle of Birth/Every Sperm is Sacred” segment. The next morning in separate press conferences, Michelle Duggar will announce she is suing Monty Python for copyright infringement on the idea of birthing disgustingly large numbers of children. In a counter-statement, an exhausted Jim Bob will announce that he is selling all 19 children for medical experiments.
May
Apple will release the iSelf, a robotic alter-ego that users can operate from a isolation booth at home. It will be a seamless, lifelike experience, perfect in every way, and huge numbers of iSelf customers will begin to live their whole lives via their robotic selves. Later the same month, Microsoft will release an almost identical rival product, the MS-You. The only difference will be that MS-You will run on Windows-based OS.
Guess what happens.
June
While stumping for the presidency, Newt Gingrich, the chosen GOP candidate, will pose with a grim but supportive Mitt Romney and a live elephant. But when the elephant is startled by flash cameras and accidentally crushes Gingrich while trying to escape, Romney will step up to the podium and exclaim toothily, “Well. I guess we’re gonna need a new candidate, huh?”
July
Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter will make virtually simultaneous outrageously provocative statements about liberals. But nobody, not even the press, will be interested.
August
Hyper-intelligent alien visitors will descend on our planet, intent on communicating with earthlings. Unfortunately, they are so smart that their translation computers render all earthly concerns into the equivalent of “Ouuutt naooow!!” “Fooood naooow!!” and “Waannt fighht!”
September
Sheriff Joe Arpaio will be arrested and charged with civil rights violations. Remanded to jail and awaiting trial, he will discover his cellmate is a former member of one of the Sheriff’s chain gangs, a pink-boxer-short-wearing 350-pound Arkansas man who sports a “Deliverance” souvenir sweatshirt. His first words to Sheriff Joe will be “You got a real purty mouth.”
October
A new Nobel Prize, the Rationality Prize, will be created. Richard Dawkins will fly to Stockholm and accept the prize on behalf of the named recipient — the entire New Atheist movement.
November
Barack Obama will be re-elected President of the United States.
Knowing he is in his last term, he will develop a fuck-all attitude and decide to piss off the Republicans and keep all his original campaign promises. But he will also say “What the hell, why not?” and …
December
A troop of UN soldiers will walk down the hallway of an exclusive French hotel, knock politely on a door, and arrest a surprised George W. Bush. He will be taken to a somewhat less posh Belgian prison, where he will await trial for Crimes Against Humanity.