Wisdom of the Aged. Er, Ages.

Random Shit I’ve Learned:

Dogs like icewater in the summer, just like people do.

The burger you get at the counter has no resemblance to the picture of the burger on the poster.

If they tell you it’s “for your own good” or “to serve you better” … it isn’t.

After you lose half your hair, the pressure’s off.

Everything mouse-sized and bigger has feelings.

The death of a loved one makes everything else small change.

Most everybody else is too busy dancing to watch how good or bad your dancing is. But you probably do suck at it. On the the other hand, the point of dancing is not to impress others.

Charity is cheaper if you do it directly.

You can’t wait for real life to start at some nebulous future date. Life has to be enjoyed every day. Get on with it.

I can overlook a lot of your peccadilloes as long as you’re self-supporting.

Never lie to a child or a dog for any reason.

The thing is, nobody really knows how things are supposed to be. As long as you don’t hurt anybody, including yourself, do the stuff that makes you happy.

In playing with your dog, it’s okay to let him win. Every time.

Little people think the way to be big is to hurt or control other people. Big people want power FOR people, rather than OVER them.

One of the nicest things about children is that they give adults an excuse to blow bubbles again.

Someday you’re going to be dead. Might as well make the best of the situation while you wait.

In court, bigger and better and higher-priced liars almost always win out over simple honesty and good faith.

Talk to children as if they were adults. Expect adults to sometimes act like children.

Human beings often go to war over their differences, despite being 99.99 percent the same.

Nobody outside Texas knows what real barbecue is.

Cats look a lot smarter than they really are.

Pretty much everybody is a well-meaning doofus. Including you and me.

No animal on earth smells worse than an unwashed human.

Not only are you not the boss of me, I’m pretty sure I didn’t even hire you as a consultant.

Fame is a cheat, because it depends more on what other people think of you than on what you think of yourself.

There are artists and there are people who say they’re artists. If you tell them you don’t understand their work and they retort that there must be something wrong with YOU, they’re probably the second type.

If you’re going to have a pet, don’t complain about a little fur on the furniture.

Money can’t buy happiness, but if you’re going to be miserable anyway, you might as well take the money.

Listen to someone closely and he’ll think you’re the brightest person he’s ever met.

The War on Drugs is like trying to put out a forest fire by doing away with Bic lighters. It’s the wrong solution. But then again, it keeps alive the richly profitable prison, lawyer and cops-and-courts industries. And hey, destroying people is a small price to pay for that, right?

Sports fanatics are idiots. But they seem to have more friends.

People who deliberately breed small, stubby-legged, brainless dogs are not really animal lovers.

Everybody farts. But when the Pope does it, nobody notices.

Some people have never had an original thought in their lives. Fortunately, they never notice.

Give people compliments.

It’s okay to be wrong.

Nobody gets enough hugs.

Cities suck. Period. But if you’re born and grow up there, you have no idea.

Your parents didn’t mean to do it to you. They were stumbling through life just like you are.

European tourists dress funny.

Nobody ever thinks it’s their own fault.

If two young people take up living together, they will both immediately assume the other one is doing the housekeeping.

If they’re selling religion, just close the door.