Ghost Rider … Um … SUCKED

You have no idea what a fanboy I am when it comes to superhero movies. At 59, I’m often the oldest person in the theater at midnight openers. (Speaking of which, the Spider-Man trailer looks suweeeet! And oh yeah, I’ll be there for the midnight show.)

I went to see the second coming of Ghost Rider last night, on pins and needles and eager for the flaming spectacle.

But … dayyum. Twenty minutes in, I was already thinking about walking out. Departing the theater at the end, I said “That was easily one of the Top Ten worst movies I’ve seen in my entire life.”

It was like the director HATED the story, and did everything he could to fuck it up for the fans. He totally re-imagined the character, even rewriting some of his backstory. The old Adam West Batman series on TV was less campy than this movie, and there were long, LONG moments when I was asking “What the hell are they doing? What’s this supposed to mean? Why’s he doing all that silly stuff with his head??” And the soundtrack was … bad. So bad.

I came out of it surprised they were able to find a few decent bits to stitch together to make the trailer I’d seen.

I like Nicholas Cage, but I was thinking “I wouldn’t be surprised if this finally tanks Cage’s career. In the future, instead of saying someone ‘jumped the shark,’ they’ll say ‘He ghostridered.’ ”

I posted some reactions on Facebook; thought I’d share them with you here:

The new Ghost Rider movie is so bad Satan called a press conference and said “I don’t mind the evil image. Hey, it’s what I do. But this was just embarrassing.”

The new Ghost Rider movie is so bad that just before the credits rolled, the screen flashed the number of the local suicide hotline.

The soundtrack for the new Ghost Rider movie was so loud and so bad it was like being slapped in the face repeatedly by cheap truck stop whores. (Some wag on Facebook replied “Hey, some of us pay good money for that!”)

The new Ghost Rider movie is so bad, a team of Christian time travel researchers rewrote their list of missions, moving “Kidnap Nicholas Cage as a baby to stop him from acting” above “Visit the Holy Land and witness the birth of Our Savior.”

The new Ghost Rider movie is so bad that when it was shown at Guantanamo Bay, human rights organizations begged base officials to switch back to waterboarding.