The Book of Good Living: How to Avoid Being Killed By A Train

TrainMetro-North Train Hits S.U.V., Killing 7 in Railroad’s Deadliest Accident

When a train hits a car, it’s pretty much never the train’s fault. If you just arrived on this planet, here are some tips on How to Avoid Being Killed By A Train:

1) Look for the big silvery steel rails, spaced about four feet apart. They will run for miles in each direction to your left and right. The rails themselves are a huge warning sign, and if all else fails, they will be there. However …

2) Where the big silvery rails cross the road, there will be a signal, likely a pole with red lights on it, and the red lights will flash when a train approaches. A loud bell will ring at the same time – Ding-Ding-Ding-Ding!!

3) Attached to the pole with the lights are these long metal barricades that will come down and block the intersection. The metal barricades are marked with bright colors, reflective tape and, often, flashing lights. Don’t drive around the barricades.

4) Trains are loud. An approaching freight train sounds like … well, an approaching freight train. Listen for the sound.

5) Unless you are in an actual coma, you will see and hear these warning signals, and the train. Get the hell out of the way, and stay the hell out of the way.

6) When you approach an intersection where a train crosses, pay attention to traffic and think ahead so that you never stop on the tracks. If you do stop on the tracks, you and everybody in your car may die. Probably best to just avoid stopping on the tracks.

Finally:

7) Trains are so massive they can’t just stop when the engineer sees you. Compared to automobile brakes, which actually halt the vehicle in some reasonable distance, train brakes are a sort of suggestion to the train, something like “Okay, let’s start slowing down now, and maybe in a mile or two we’ll think about stopping.” If the engineer of the train comes around a curve and sees you on the tracks, he goes “Oh, look, there’s another dopey bastard about to be killed by a train. Huh.” And then he applies the brakes.

8) Trains are fast because people who ride trains, or ship freight by trains, want them to be fast. If you stop your car on the tracks, and a train comes, it’s going to hit the car. And you. And everybody else in the car. You will all die, and you will have closed-casket funerals because it will be ugly.

9) If you stop on the tracks and you see a train coming, encourage your passengers to leap out and run away to the side, but whatever else you do, you as the driver should stay in the car. Because you deserve what’s about to happen, you brainless sonofabitch.

10) Just hope you don’t get a bunch of other people killed while you’re about it.

The Book of Good Living: Just Say No

BGL copyLooking back over my life, one of the skills that would have saved me a lot of anguish, annoyance and wasted time is the skill of saying No.

If I’d been taught to say No, just no — without anger, without guilt, without any sort of emotional spin — oh boy my life would have been different. I would have spent a great deal less time getting roped into doing things I didn’t really want to do. My life would have been more MINE — which I strongly suspect would have better allowed me to say Yes in the ways I wanted to say Yes.

Some people seem to have no trouble with it, but a lot of us DO.

The thing is, this is one of the things your parents won’t usually teach you, because you’d certainly use it against them. NO! It’s something you won’t learn in school, because you’d use it against them. NO! And it’s something you don’t really learn out in society, because everybody out there wants you to say YES, to whatever it is they want out of you. Buy this, do this, donate to this, join this, believe this, say this, do what *I* want you to do.

It’s one of the orphan lessons of life, the lessons that have very few real advocates or teachers. You only learn it via the constant inconvenience — or actual pain — you get from the repercussions of saying yes, or from not saying no quickly or definitely enough.

Here’s the thing:  Those other people don’t owe you a Yes, right? Which means you don’t owe THEM a Yes. You were born to be you, with your own interests and desires, and you can only be your best you by BEING you, doing the things you want to do, care to do. No is BUILT INTO the fact of you being an individual.

No can be friendly but definite. No can be gentle and quiet, but it can also be loud and forceful. No doesn’t have to be explained or justified or defended. It can just be No.

But it probably does have to be definite. Not: Well, maybe. Um, okay. We’ll see. Oh, well, sure, I guess. And definitely not “If I say no, they won’t like me anymore.” If they won’t like you for saying no, they ALREADY don’t like you — they like what you can do for them.

If they won’t take no for an answer, and if you LET them, they own you. Maybe a little bit. Maybe a lot. And you simply cannot allow that if you want to continue to be your own self.

It took me until I was almost 60 to really get good at it, and in just these past few years it’s saved me an enormous amount of time and discomfort. Which makes me think it’s never too late to practice and perfect this Very Important life skill:

No. No, sorry. Aw, hell no. No, I can’t do that. Not at this time. No, thanks. Nope. Nuh-uh. Are you crazy? Of course not! FUCK no! No way. Don’t think so. Don’t want one, don’t need one. No, I plan to laze around and do nothing all day. Maybe next time, buh-bye. None for me, thanks. No, that’s not my thing. Not interested; take my name off your list. I feel for you, but no. No, it ain’t gonna be me. I can’t do it; I wish you the best of luck, though. How about … never? No, I’m otherwise engaged. No, I’m not ready. I think I’ll have to say No at this time. No, I’ve got other stuff on my mind. No, I don’t want to do that. No I don’t want to try that. All booked up for now, dude. No, it’s not a good time for me. No, I’m not going. No, I’m not gonna be a part of that. No, I can’t agree. Ha! Good idea, but No.

No. Just no.

No.

The Book of Good Living: Innocent Until Proven Guilty

innocentA common thread that has run through many of the stories we’ve seen in the last few years, about the public outcry over genetically modified crops, and over the PCBs which GE dumped in the Hudson River here in Upstate New York, is that there is insufficient proof of the dangers. The implication is that anyone harboring baseless suspicions about these things, which are after all the result of scientific progress, is either a Luddite or a superstitious primitive.

Nobody ever says it out loud, but the basic idea behind such an argument is one dear to our American hearts: “innocent until proven guilty.” Unless we can prove there’s some real hazard, the argument seems to be, we should just shut up and let good honest corporations go about their business.

“Innocent until proven guilty” has to be one of the most sensible concepts in any modern system of justice. Pitting an accused David (a lone defendant) against the Goliath of government (police, prosecutors and prisons with apparently unlimited manpower, unlimited budgets and unlimited punitive will) is woefully one-sided unless David has this quick and heavy stone in his sling — the firmly-established concept that unless his guilt can be positively proven to a panel of peers, he is automatically innocent.

Charges alone, suspicions alone, are not enough. Nor is the magnitude of the supposed crime, nor the race or appearance of the accused, nor the relative anger of the people injured. What matters is: Did the guy do it? At least in determining guilt, everything else is superfluous.

Theoretically, the accused need do nothing at all to defend himself. In practice, of course, any defendant would be a fool not to mount a vigorous defense — but at least the playing field is leveled by the institutionalized presumption of innocence. Innocent until proven guilty is such a good idea that it’s rather amazing to think of past times — and even present-day societies elsewhere in the world — that don’t automatically observe it. We have our own inglorious examples of non-observance, of course — witchcraft trials in Salem, Massachusetts, for example, in the year 1692, and the Deep South’s centuries-deep treatment of blacks suspected of various supposed transgressions against white people.

Beyond David and Goliath examples, the argument has deeper logical roots: it’s virtually impossible to prove a negative statement, easier to disprove a positive one.

No, I’m NOT a witch.

Well, can you prove you’re not a witch?

I’m not a witch because I go to church, I wear a cross around my neck, I do community service, I take care of my ailing neighbor, I have 35 friends who will bear witness to my good character, and I spend all day every day in the town square selling apples – during which time I have never been heard to speak a curse or seen to wave my arms in a manner suggesting the casting of a spell.

Big deal. Of course you do all those things, but maybe you’re also a witch in your spare time. Maybe you know a way to cast spells without moving your lips or arms, and those 35 people are all under your spell. Since you’ve failed to prove you’re NOT a witch, I guess we’ll just have to hang you.

Instead of forcing the accused to prove the negative, which she can’t ever do, we expect the prosecutor to make a definitive positive statement, and then back it up, to prove his case:

She IS a witch. She’s been seen to wave her arms in a manner suggesting the casting of spells, and she speaks a language nobody understands.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, who gives a hoot what my client does with her arms, or what language she speaks? As for the arm-waving, she could be shooing away flies, conducting an imaginary orchestra, or just enjoying the fresh air with childlike glee. Could be she just shaved her underarms and applied an alcohol-based deodorant. And she could speak anything from pig latin to ancient Persian to a secret language she created all on her own, and it’s nobody’s business. Surely there are ten thousand other people out there right now waving their arms and speaking strange languages, and none of them stand here accused of witchcraft. Nope, the prosecutor has completely failed to support the statement that my client IS a witch. She’s innocent, she goes free, end of story.

Just for the record, though, she’s practicing for her part in a community theatre production of Romeo and Juliet – in Polish.

In human affairs, at least, “innocent until proven guilty” is a good idea simply because it works. Though the occasional miscreant might go free, it produces the most humane solutions to questions of justice. Rather than living in constant fear of prosecution on the flimsiest of anonymously-conveyed grounds, leaving individuals and the justice system in general to the fury of jilted lovers or the jealousy of neighbors, most people can go about their day happily ignorant of the machinery of cops, courts and hanging ropes.

Does it apply in other realms, though? Just how widely applicable is the idea of “innocent until proven guilty”?

Suppose the “accused” is a drug that makes pregnancy easier to bear, but which later seems to be linked to horrendous birth defects?

Suppose it’s a food additive placed in children’s cereal which the manufacturer maintains is harmless, but which is later suspected of causing hyperactivity that makes it difficult for children to learn?

Suppose it’s a new insecticide planned to be sprayed on food crops, about which nothing is suspected or known, other than it kills bugs?

In the first two of these cases, the fundamental difference is that the “accused” is not a person suspected of causing a problem for another person, but a thing – a chemical, drug or process – suspected of causing a problem for a human being.

The core question is, does a THING have the same right to presumed innocence that a person has – particularly when the thing is suspected of harming real people?

Asked that way, it’s immediately obvious that the answer has to be a resounding No. Things don’t have the same rights that people have. Things have no rights at all. Presumption of innocence is turned on its head – things are guilty until proven innocent.

How do we handle the third case, where the thing in question is not even in question?

The answer would be easy even to our most distant ancestors: given a choice of two different types of berries, juicy purple ones which you know are edible, and shiny red ones about which you don’t know anything at all, you don’t even touch the unknown ones. Given a choice of a forest-grown mushroom that you absolutely recognize and know to be safe, and another mushroom a few feet away that looks a bit like the edible one, but a bit different too, you don’t just pick the new one and assume that it will be okay.

In a sometimes unfriendly world where some things are food and some are poison, and the cost of choosing the wrong one is your life and maybe the life of everyone you love, you keep the wild culinary adventures to a minimum.

In other words, things not even in question are in question, every time, until they’re proven to be safe. It’s still basically a question of the rights of people versus the rights of things. Things are automatically to be considered harmful to people unless you can somehow prove that they’re not. It’s why we have a Food and Drug Administration that approves – or declines to approve, after extensive trials – new drugs.

The benefit of any doubt, even manufactured doubt, has to fall on the side of human health and safety every time. Not on the side of corporations, or things.

Only PEOPLE are “innocent until proven guilty.” THINGS are automatically guilty – suspected of being dangerous – until proven otherwise.

We’re in danger of forgetting that.

The Book of Good Living: Favors

begging rabbitI was in a position to witness a young woman asking people for a cigarette at a highway rest stop a few days back. “Could you give me a cigarette? No?? Oh, please, please, please! It’s just one cigarette, and I really NEED it. It’s just one lousy cigarette!”

She ended up crying (!), complaining tearfully about how rude people are nowadays. “I just don’t understand (sob) how people can be so RUDE. Anytime I have cigarettes and someone asks me for one, I (sob) give it to them. Some people are such dicks.”

It sparked some thoughts:

“Out of the goodness of your heart.” That’s where favors come from, isn’t it? A favor might spring from fellow-feeling, simple compassion, or just today’s positive outlook, but you do a favor for someone because you want to, with no expectation of reward. It might be because they asked for the favor, it might be just you doing something nice.

Except there IS a reward most of us expect – a heartfelt ‘thank you’ — delivered as words, a smile, or just a nod. The ‘thank you’ that says “I recognize and appreciate your unnecessary kindness.”

Say “thank you” when someone holds the door for you. Wave “thank you” when the driver next to you lets you into his lane of traffic. Say “thank you” when your friend invites you along on an outing.

Favors arrive on a social landscape that contains certain other expectations. If those expectations aren’t met, it destroys the landscape so favors are granted grudgingly if at all. And of course, a ‘favor’ granted grudgingly is not a favor, it’s something completely different, with no fellow-feeling, but rather more along the lines of fear, or duty. The person granting that sort of favor loses something in the granting of it, becoming, for that moment, more of a underling than a friend.

Regarding that social landscape …

Here are the favors the world owes you: None.

Your friend the musician doesn’t owe you free tickets to his concert. Your cousin who has a shoe store doesn’t owe you a special deal on shoes. Your rich aunt doesn’t owe you the gift of $500 to keep you from losing your car. Your twin brother doesn’t owe you a kidney to save your life.

Nobody owes you the loan of their phone, or a cigarette, or a sip of their soda, or a ride into town, or an invite over for supper, or … anything. Nothing. Nobody OWES you a favor. The idea of “favor” and “duty” are mutually exclusive. Again, if it’s a duty, something owed (or the repayment of something owed), it’s not a favor, it’s the performance of a duty.

So if you ask a favor and the person says no, that’s not rudeness, it’s just life. And if someone asks YOU a favor, you’re allowed to say no. For any reason, or no reason at all. You’re not even under any obligation to explain.

You may not want to do it at all. You may not want to do it right now. You may not want to do it for that particular person. You may be in a hurry and don’t even want to consider it. In all of which cases, and any others you can think of, you have the right to say no.

Too many of us don’t understand that. We think “I really NEED you to give me a ride, and it doesn’t cost you anything. Besides, you said yes before. If you say no now, that’s you being rude.”

No it isn’t. If you think that way, that’s YOU being rude. Nothing wrong with asking (usually), but if that other person says no, that’s it. If you push it, you’re being pushy – the precise state under which you shouldn’t get the favor.

Because the driver didn’t owe you the ride in the first place, you’ve lost nothing, and have no right to be put out. Also because he didn’t owe you the ride in the first place, he has no need to feel embarrassed. If you think anything else, you don’t understand the concept of favor, and you’re helping destroy the social landscape that makes them possible.

If you walk away and hold a grudge over the favor that failed to arrive according to your expectations, you not only don’t understand favors, you don’t understand friendship.

If the guy you ask can’t say no, there is no possibility that what comes after is a favor. It’s the act of a servant under threat of punishment.

Book of Good Living: The Risk Rule

BGL copyMy approach to risk is tuned toward the more sensitive end of the spectrum. (We’re not counting the bull riding, which was a 20-something macho-guy one-off.)

As I said in my last post, I’ve gotten to the age of 62 without a stitch, a broken bone, or a major accident of any sort. I’ve done it by following a rough rule for dealing with risks.

So here’s my Risk Rule. (Note that this applies mainly to physical dangers, and not to existential hazards such as being turned down when asking someone out on a date.)

There’s the CHANCE of a thing happening. And there’s the COST if it does happen. The two factors are separate, but they work together to determine the probability of injurious end result. It’s not Chance vs. Cost, it’s Chance TIMES Cost.

There are five general risk scenarios:

1) Zero-zero.

The probability of the thing happening is zero, and the effect if will have if it does is zero. You don’t need to think about it. You’re not going to be attacked in your bathroom by butterflies. And even if you are attacked, by some extremely remote chance, it’s butterflies. Eh.

2) Zero-Something.

The probability of the thing happening is zero, but the effect if it does happen is significant. You still don’t need to think about it.  You’re not going to be attacked in your bathroom by a sitatunga. Even through such an attack might leave you injured … it’s just not going to happen. Eh.

3) Something-Zero.

The probability of the thing happening is significant, but the effect if it does happen is zero. You don’t need to think about it. A complete stranger is going to someday look at you and think “What a complete asshole.” You will probably never even know it when it happens. But afterward, the two of you will go your separate ways and never see each other again. Eh.

4) Something-Something.

The probability of the thing happening is non-zero, and the effect if it does happen is non-zero.  You’re going to cross the street in traffic and there’s going to be a driver who fails to notice you. He may strike and injure you. Whoa. You definitely need to pay attention, and work to limit the negative outcomes.

And a special case …

5) Something-Infinity

That rock ledge you’re standing on PROBABLY isn’t going to break. Hey, it’s been just that way for tens of thousands of years. But rock ledges DO break, and if this one does, you’re definitely, absolutely, without any doubt, going to fall and die. Double-whoa. You need to not do that thing.

If there’s an ALMOST ZERO chance of the thing happening, but if it DOES happen it will cost you the entire rest of your life, you treat it as if it was an extremely dangerous situation.

Unless and until you think about it, decide the risk is worth it to you personally — that there is some large potential payoff — and deliberately accept that things could go bad.

The point of the Risk Rule isn’t for you to hide yourself away from life and never again ride motorcycles or swim in the ocean, or ski down black diamond runs. The point is 1) to approach each Scenario 5 situation with your eyes open and knowing you’ve made a conscious, adult decision to proceed, and 2) to limit the number of these types of risks you take.

In these cases, Chance X Cost equals some very high level of probability. Over the course of a lifetime, repeatedly taking these kinds of risks increases the potential for a fatal accident. Sooner or later, you will suffer for it. As the saying goes, “There are old pilots and bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots.”

In fact, the same is true of Scenario 4, especially if you’re doing something – smoking, drinking, using drugs – which is non-fatal in the short term but has a cumulative effect toward certain negative health effects. Sooner or later, you’ll suffer some consequence, which may very well include misery and death.

Book of Good Living: The 5 Second Rule

5 secondsNo, this has nothing to do with dropping food on the floor. This is about the OTHER 5 seconds, the one that gives you a cushion of safety in everyday life.

The simplest statement of the rule might be: “Look 5 seconds ahead … in every direction.”

Every person who drives is familiar with the concept of looking ahead. Some of us do it badly, and end up in rear-end collisions, or even pileups. Some of us do it well and see cops on the side of the highway a half mile or so in advance, so we can slow down and avoid a ticket.

As far as pileups are concerned, the critical factor isn’t that the drivers in the rear aren’t looking ahead, it’s that they’re not looking ahead ENOUGH. If you’re only watching the one car 30 feet in front of you while moving at 70 mph, you’re a prime potential victim of a rear-end collision.

Just from the fact that 30 feet is not enough space in which to stop, or even to react, you’re placing your safety in the hands and happenstance of that guy ahead of you. If a deer or a child runs out in front of him and he slams on the brakes, you WILL collide with him. But if you have a full 5 second warning, that’s time enough to brake, to swerve, to do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe. It’s time to see, to analyze, to react to the situation. Think of that 5 seconds as a cushion ahead of you, not just a cushion of time, but of space and circumstance.

Extend the 5 seconds outward in all directions, and in all situations. Because if you could see 5 seconds into the future, you’d never have another accident.

If you’re walking and a car is coming up behind you, it can’t possibly hit you if you foresee and forestall that event … 5 seconds before it happens.

If you’re strolling near a baseball field, and you hear the crack of a solid hit off to the side, that line drive can’t sail over the fence and whack you if you look up and around.

The rule means that you attempt to see intersecting vectors from every direction, no matter what the environment. And not just the vectors that you can predict – for instance, you’re walking along the roadside facing away from traffic and expecting that all the drivers will stay on the road – but the vectors you can’t predict: All those drivers too sleepy or drunk to see you, too involved with texting, too old or tired to notice you, too distracted to stay on the road.

Yes, they all should be doing a better job of driving. But that’s THEIR job. YOUR job is to protect yourself by watching out for your own safety NO MATTER WHAT they do.

Nothing in the 5 Second Rule implies that an injury is your FAULT (and certainly it doesn’t relate to unexpected deliberate attacks). But it is your DUTY to protect yourself, and your loved ones by controlling your own contributory acts – inspecting and foreseeing each hazardous environment and taking whatever action you can to limit risk. You can’t control all the factors out there around you, but you can control your own actions, as you move among those factors, with deliberate foresight and forethought, to lessen the probability. No matter what, if you do get hurt, you’ll probably tell yourself over and over “If I had only …”

Just as you wouldn’t walk out into a lightning storm carrying a tall metal rod, you should never walk in or around traffic with earbuds and loud music blocking your hearing. Nor should you stare down at your smartphone in a way that distracts your vision and attention. Never cross the street with your head down, as I see so many people doing. Never cross without looking at the lights, the traffic, even other pedestrians and cyclists … all the time you’re in the roadway. Because all of that blinds you to the next 5 seconds, and that’s just long enough to be killed by something you could have foreseen.

Inevitably, there will be those who’ll sneer at deliberately enhanced awareness as “paranoia” – a waste of time and energy on imaginary fears. But it isn’t paranoid to look out for yourself in an environment you already know is hazardous.

On a personal note, regarding the charge of paranoia, I’ve gotten to the age of 62 — following the 5 Second Rule most of my life — with never a stitch, never a broken bone, and only one minor auto accident … caused by another driver. I consider those many 5 seconds well spent.

 

The Book of Good Living: Standing in Line

good stuffToo harsh? Anything you’d add?

The General Rule

It all comes down to fairness. It’s fair that the guy who got there first deserves to be waited on first. If there are people behind you in line, NOTICE THEM, and remember you’re taking their time too. Do the deed and move along.

If you were in traffic and the light turned green, other drivers would expect you to move off immediately, not sit there texting or talking or dithering. And so would you. They’ve got 30 minutes for lunch, they’re late for an appointment, they have to get home right away, they want to get on with their day. Care about it and move things along.

C’mon, you’ve been standing in lines since you were 5 years old. You know the drill; you just have to do it.

A. Cashiering

1) Cashiers: If there’s a small crowd of people standing randomly out there, don’t just grab the first person your eyes fall on. Ask “Who was next?” The people waiting out there KNOW who was next.

2) Cashiers: This is your job, not private time to socialize with your friend or off-duty co-worker. Your first priority is customers, always. If people are waiting, every second you spend chatting with your friend is stolen from others. “Sorry, got people waiting. Catch me on my break.”

3) Customers: This is not the time to go on with the cashier about little Bobby’s baseball game, or the weather. She can’t gracefully say “Gotta cut you off, you’re taking up these other people’s time.” Smile at her and move on.

4) Customers: If the cashier or order person ignores you in favor of a private conversation, walk the hell out and call the manager, or the corporate office. They really do want to know. Chances are everybody involved will remember you, and it will never happen again.

B. Waiting

1) Fair’s fair. If someone is ahead of you, they’re ahead of you. Signal them to go ahead, even if there’s some confusion on the part of the cashier.

2) No cuts. Seriously, are you 8 years old? The guy behind you is behind YOU, not your whole family and extended friends list who happen to stroll up when you reach the first position. If you all want to go together, how about YOU move to the rear of the line with them?

3) It just takes some people longer. Be patient with them. They probably don’t mean to be like that. It might be their first time at this joint. They might be new to the country, or Planet Earth.

4) If there are 4 of you, Mommy and Daddy and Millie and Billy, but only one of you is ordering, have that one person stand in line and order. The rest of you, move slightly away so others can see the menu, the second register, etc.

5) We all deserve some personal space. Don’t loom, don’t touch, especially with women. Stand back a ways from the person in front of you.

6) Speak up. If a guy walks past you and up to the counter when it was your turn, say “I’m sorry, I was ahead of you.” Use a carrying voice if you feel the need. Nobody will think less of you, and you do have the right not to be stepped on. Also: If somebody’s being a dick, and someone else speaks up, back that guy up by also speaking up. “I’m sorry, he’s right. He was next, and we all know it. You’ll have to step back.”

C. Ordering

1) Get off your fucking phone and do your business. Don’t waste other people’s time. Repeat to yourself: “Order. Pay. Get out of the way.”

2) If you stand in line for 5 minutes before finally reaching the order desk, and THEN start peering dopily at the menu and thinking about what you want, you have failed as a human being and probably deserve to be clocked on the back of the head. That guy behind you probably knows exactly what he wants, and the lady behind him ditto. Think ahead at least enough to know pretty much what you want by the time you get there. If you’re a parent, get your kid’s order settled while you wait, not when you reach the counter.

3) If you’re in a group, it’s even more important that everybody figures out what they want before you get to the order desk. Laugh and talk after you get back to your table.

4) If there’s nobody behind you in line, you have time to explore all the hidden options of the Secret Menu. If it’s lunch hour, and there are 8 people in line behind you, order something off the menu with no substitutions. Play gourmet next time.

D. Paying

1) Hey, dummy. You’re in line to buy something, right? There will be this moment when you have to pay for it, right? Don’t just stand there like a cotton-headed sock monkey and then go “Oh, goodness, let me find my little wallet” when it’s time to pay. Have your card or your money ready, or where you can get to it quickly.

2) If it’s a really busy day, move to the side slightly before tucking away your receipt and change.

3) Coin Purse Ladies Only: If there are people behind you, don’t go searching for your little coin purse and then fish around in it for that last penny of exact change. Nobody’s getting any younger; move things along.

E. Picking Up

1) If you’ve ordered and there’s a pickup point down the counter, move there. Don’t stand blocking the order counter.

2) Emergency assistance: If the lady who just picked up her order comes back to complain that her order wasn’t right, make allowances. She deserves to get what she ordered, just as you do. Waiting in line again isn’t fair.

_______________________

Couple of good comments from Facebook:

Chris Leithiser: When you’ve put all your groceries/items on the conveyor belt at the checkstand, it’s YOUR job to put a divider AFTER them. If there are none available, wait until one comes free and then do it. That way the person after you can start unloading her basket.

Dayla Reagan-Buell: I allow people behind me at the grocery store to go before me if they have fewer items — especially if the have ice cream, bags of ice etc.

 

Beta Culture: The Book of Good Living … Again

good stuffIf you’re a long-time reader here, you may remember a couple of Beta-Culture-related posts from 2012 about The Book of Good Living. If not, it’s like this:

You know all that wisdom the Bible supposedly contains? The Talmud? The Koran? What if you could get wisdom about life without all the goddy freight mixed in? Without all the “GOD SAYS DO THIS, DO THAT, OR BURN IN HELL FOREVER!” Might not be a bad thing, huh?

The general model for where you get all the good advice is your parents, aunts and uncles and grandparents. Mom teaches you how to cross the street, dad teaches you how to handle tools, Paw Paw teaches you how to be gentle with the horses and dogs, they all teach you about how to live and work with others. But … with the best of intentions, mom and dad and those others don’t always have time to teach you all they know. And some of us have parents who don’t teach us ANY of the good stuff.

And how many times have you been aghast at someone, silently asking “You don’t know THAT?? How have you gotten through life?” So you know there’s a need for it.

So what if you and people like you could collaborate on a sourcebook of things you’d like to know, or would like others to know. Helpful, self-empowering stuff. Protective stuff. Stuff that helped you get through life, that you really might not get anywhere else. Because failing learning it from your parents, you sure as hell won’t get it from Ice Road Truckers, or Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

I actually had a friend set up a Wiki for it, but then I failed to do my part, the actual writing. The idea was to start doing it, enough to give people the idea, and then enlist other smart/wise people to add to it, until we had our own source-book (and if you use the word “bible” I will come over and chainsaw the legs off all your chairs) of good ideas for daily living.

I kept on and kept on thinking I’d start, but I always put it off. Because I wanted it to be PERFECT.

Two years passed.

Then, yesterday, I realized I could start it on Facebook. Imperfectly, but regularly, posting little tidbits that would go into it. I even gave it its own hashtag: #TheBookofGoodLiving.

So here’s some of it. Incomplete. Lumpy. Imperfect. But hey, it’s a start.

BTW, the “Added comments” sections are a great example of how this is supposed to work in the final form. Everybody adds in the good stuff they know. The thing evolves, grows, and eventually you have a useful handbook for daily living. It’s definitely not meant to be a “do it this way or else” thing, but rather something you could refer to in those areas where you lacked expertise. Eventually — assuming you buy into this “Let’s create our own culture” thing — you could even tell your kids “Let’s see what The Book of Good Living says on that.”

 

#TheBookofGoodLiving – Being a Pedestrian

Walking on or near a roadway is a life or death situation, and your safety is YOUR responsibility. Yeah, the driver who hits you will be in big trouble, but YOU will be hospitalized or dead. It’s not a fair trade.

Watch traffic all the time you’re in or near the road. It’s a mistake to totally trust that approaching drivers 1) notice you, 2) are sober and/or sane, 3) are undistracted by texting, conversations, emotional storms, the radio/CD player, children or other passengers, 4) are unimpaired by vision problems, pain or age or illness, and 5) give a shit about your life and safety.

Walk facing traffic. It gives you time to react to the distracted driver who drifts onto the shoulder.

Be the guardian of friends and loved ones walking with you, even those older and more responsible. If they get hit or killed and you could have prevented it, you’ll feel guilty about it for the rest of your life. Children should walk farthest away from traffic, holding hands with an adult.

Cross the street in a way that doesn’t inconvenience drivers. They don’t dare hit you; don’t use that as license to delay them. Don’t start across when they have the light or the light is about to change.

When crossing the street, LOOK at the drivers stopped for the light. Meet their eyes and make sure they see you.

After a rainstorm, watch for puddles in the roadway that could splash you when drivers hit them.

Refer to: The Five Seconds Ahead Rule

 

#TheBookofGoodLiving – The Five Seconds Ahead Rule

If you could see just five seconds into the future, you’d never have another accident. In driving, in walking, in strolling to the coffee machine in the hallway, try to see five seconds ahead. Watch everything around you, the traffic, wildlife, motorcyclists, road conditions, people on cellphones, people walking, kids playing, construction workers carrying things, and react BEFORE any of those factors can cause an accident or inconvenience. Watch five seconds ahead for yourself, but also for the people around you, especially loved ones.

 

#‎TheBookofGoodLiving – The Doorway Rules

1) You don’t owe anyone an open door. It’s a complete courtesy; if you don’t feel like doing it, don’t do it. Having said that …
2) Open and hold doors for seniors.
3) Open and hold doors for handicapped people.
4) Open and hold doors for people carrying heavy loads.
5) Men: Open and hold doors for women, especially a woman carrying a baby or other burden.
6) If you’re holding the door for one person, make sure it doesn’t hit the next person when you let it go.
7) If someone opens or holds the door for you, say THANK YOU, smile and move on.
8) Don’t EXPECT thanks for door holding. It’s not about gratitude, it’s about creating a general atmosphere of social courtesy.
8) Teach your kids to open and hold doors for adults. Adults, smile and say “thank you” when a youngster opens a door for you.
9) If the door was closed when you got there, close it back. If it was open, leave it open … unless you know it’s meant to be closed.
10) In passing through a door or other tight space, the man/woman with the heavier/bulkier load always has the right of way.
11) Pay attention to doorway traffic. If other people are passing in and out, stand well out of the doorway.

Added comments:

Richard Wade: I diligently practice every one of these door rules, including #5. For me, that one is not about thinking that women are “weak” in some disparaging way; it’s about respect without condescension. It’s simply that often women are smaller and lighter than men, and doors in public buildings are often far too heavy and too strongly spring-loaded for any small or light person to easily open. Those doors are usually installed by big, strong men, and when those men test the doors, they think they open just fine.

I’ve seen women collide with such doors, assuming that they’d open easily, and the potential for injury to their shoulders is readily apparent. I’m of average height and weight for a male and still strong, and even I have painfully banged into such doors that failed to open as easily as I had expected.

It’s all about a generalized attitude of watchful courtesy for every other person who comes within my awareness. Doors and their etiquette are just a good metaphor for how we practice, or fail to practice the Golden Rule in every act of every day.

Chris Leithiser: I think #11 needs to be generalized. If you stop, whether in a car or on foot or in a supermarket, pay attention to your surroundings. Am I blocking an entrance or pathway? Can people get past me? Can I improve things by moving a bit further?

Dayla Reagan-Buell: Yes. I will always hold open a door for someone, doesn’t matter who. I also make sure the door is held for someone behind, and when hiking, hold branches so they do not thwack the person behind. Etiquette and manners never go out of style.

Kris Stade D’Arcy: I open doors for people when it seems to help them or just to be polite, male or female, child or adult. I always feel like doing it. Even if the person I opened the door for is cranky. Doesn’t cost me a thing. BUT — I think you need another rule, Hank. And that is “When an attractive woman reaches a door and you, a hetero male, are several feet behind her, she may question your motives if you race to the door in order to be able to open it before she gets there. So don’t do that!”

 

#‎TheBookofGoodLiving – The Tool Rules

1) Buy the best tools you can afford, and take care of them.
2) Never lend your tools out to anyone for any reason. If your friend needs to use a tool, go with him and help.
3) If you borrow a tool from someone, return it the instant you’re done with it. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not “later.” Now.
4) Return borrowed tools in the same or better condition. If you borrow a tool from someone and break it, you owe them a new one. If you borrow tools in good order, don’t return them in a jumble. If you borrow clean tools, don’t return them dirty. If you borrow sharp tools, don’t return them dull.
5) Never borrow a tool without asking.
6) Use the right tool for the job. If it doesn’t work, don’t force it. Get a better tool.
7) Think about what will happen if the tool slips. If you push something with all your strength and it slips, where will your hand go? What will happen to your leg, or your face, or your helper?
8) Treat tools with sharp edges like the potentially deadly things they are.

Added comments:

Gregg Bender: Good shop rules to live by. Also use an engraver to put your initials or name on the tools large enough to have a spot for them. It can help prevent later problems.

Mike Garber: Rule #1 (the 1st half) is nice if you have the money, but I think it has to be weighed against usage. For a tool you need personally for a single project, or need to use once per year, Harbor Fright is fine. For a tool used for your livelihood or use regularly, yes go for a good one!

Brent Rasmussen: Measure twice, cut once. (Or in my case, “measure twice, then measure 6 more times just to be sure, cut, erring on the side of caution, then trim to the cut line.” I know my limitations, and I make sure to work within them.)

 

For much of my life, I found it almost impossible to say NO to people. I got better at it in my later years, but I really perfected the skill when I started working with drug and alcohol abusers. So:

#TheBookofGoodLiving – Saying No

0) You don’t owe anybody a Yes.
1) If you don’t want to do it or stand by and have it happen, say No.
2) If you have doubts, say No.
3) If you’d like to think about it, and maybe say Yes later, say No now.
4) If you’re confused or uncertain about the thing, say No.
5) If you think you owe the person asking, but still don’t really want to do it, say No.
6) You don’t have to give a reason. Just say No.
7) You don’t have to defend it. Just say No.
8) You don’t have to feel guilty about it. Just say No.
9) Don’t reward high pressure pitches. If they push more than you feel comfortable with, say No … even if you want to say Yes.
9) If they ask again, and again, say No one more time, and then just walk away. Once people know you can say No and make it stick, it saves you time and trouble later.
10) You can smile and still say No.
11) If it’s for charity, and it’s a public request, but it’s not a charity that fits with your own personal values, say “Not at this time.”
12) If it’s an amazing, one-time, never-to-be-repeated offer, say No. If they want you to buy, they can damned well let you decide in your own time.
13) If you hadn’t already planned to say Yes, say No.
14) Even if everybody else is saying Yes, if you don’t want to say Yes, say No.
15) Unless you say Yes, and mean to say Yes, the answer is No. Just say it: No.

Added comments:

Traci Clark de Lorge: And if it’s high pressure, don’t explain yourself. That just gives the “salesman” fodder to pressure you more, by trying to “fix” the situation so that you’ll say yes. I’ve learned that silence is very powerful, and using it at the right time will often solve the problem. Also, if someone pushes and pushes, that’s an automatic no for me even if I had been considering it before. I hate that!

Dayla Reagan-Buell: We need to protect our boundaries. Other people must learn to respect that. Having no boundaries will make you miserable.

 

#TheBookofGoodLiving – The Gun Rules

Never aim a gun at a person unless you intend to kill them.
Never let the vector of a gun barrel accidentally intersect a person or animal.
Assume every gun is loaded until you know different. Check more than once.
Teach kids that the guns in the house are deadly serious business. Never assume children won’t find a hidden gun.
Never tuck a gun in your pants.
Never “play-fire” a gun.
“Before the liquor comes out, the guns go away.”

Added comments:

Hank Fox: This isn’t complete, of course. But it was what I – non-expert, but grown up in firearm culture – could come up with on the spot.

That bit about the kids comes from a time when you’d get your ass tanned if you even TOUCHED one of the guns in the house without permission. I’m not sure it quite applies in the “no-no, honey, daddy doesn’t want you doing that” era.

Gary Layng: Even after the gun’s been checked and cleared as unloaded, assume it’s still loaded.

Richard Lucas: Sounds very close to Jeff Cooper’s four rules. 1. All guns are loaded. 2. Never point a gun at anything you’re not willing to destroy. 3. Finger off the trigger until your sights are on the target. And 4. Be sure of your target and what lies beyond.

Jim Downey: Yeah, sticking with the “four rules” as a start may be a good idea, since they have become more or less standardized in the last decade or so. Adding in the other elements is a good supplement.

 

#TheBookofGoodLiving – The Knife Rule

When handling any sharp-edge instrument, never exert a force vector on the thing that intersects any part of your (or anyone else’s) body.

Meaning, always cut AWAY from yourself, and others. Never draw a knife toward yourself when you cut.

Added comments:

Chris Leithiser: Unless you’re shaving, and even then you want a TANGENT.

Traci Clark de Lorge: And never try to catch a dropped knife (words of wisdom from my dad oh so many years ago).

Brandon Morgan: Also learn how to sharpen knives and keep them sharp. Dull knives are unsafe.

 

#TheBookofGoodLiving – The Face Fur Rule

If the diner has a beard or mustache, he will need TWO napkins. Not one. TWO. Or more.

 

Does that last one seem silly? But it’s something *I* have to deal with fairly often. I don’t mind asking for extra napkins; I still wish restaurant waiters knew it ahead of time.

The point is, on big important things and small silly ones, there’s an awful lot of wisdom for daily living out here among us. Why not share it? And see where things go.

Book Of Good Living: Crowd-Sourcing How to Walk

I’m trying an experiment here. Long-time readers may remember a couple of posts a while back about something I call The Book of Good Living.

I see this thing as a part of Beta Culture — a basic resource about living day-to-day. Something like Wikipedia, written and evolved by reader/contributors, and containing a great deal of advice and direction — which everybody is wholly welcome to ignore.

But … you know, a body of objective wisdom about life. Jeez, we get so much hyped and over-hyped shit thrown at us every day, about how we should live, how we should act, what we should wear … it’s like that mass of stuff we might once have learned from our parents and grandparents, or even savvy peers, is drowned in the noise of the crap projected at us through Internet-radio-TV-magazines-billboards-etc. So that EVERYBODY knows how cool it is to get your belly-button pierced, or why you should never give oral sex on the first date (unless it’s true love!), but nobody knows how to safely clean your ear with a Q-Tip. Continue reading “Book Of Good Living: Crowd-Sourcing How to Walk”

Throwing Out Leftovers, Civilization-Wide

I’m gonna tell you about four things I used to do. Four actions – habits – I picked up when I was a kid and continued at least into my early adult life.

First, I used to eat large amounts of ice cream and other rich, fatty foods at every opportunity.

Second, I used to actively avoid stepping on cracks in the sidewalk when I was walking.

Third, I used to vigorously snap my towel when I stepped out of the shower and pulled it off the towel rack.

Fourth, I used to look both ways when I stepped out into the street. Continue reading “Throwing Out Leftovers, Civilization-Wide”