Book of Good Living: The Risk Rule

BGL copyMy approach to risk is tuned toward the more sensitive end of the spectrum. (We’re not counting the bull riding, which was a 20-something macho-guy one-off.)

As I said in my last post, I’ve gotten to the age of 62 without a stitch, a broken bone, or a major accident of any sort. I’ve done it by following a rough rule for dealing with risks.

So here’s my Risk Rule. (Note that this applies mainly to physical dangers, and not to existential hazards such as being turned down when asking someone out on a date.)

There’s the CHANCE of a thing happening. And there’s the COST if it does happen. The two factors are separate, but they work together to determine the probability of injurious end result. It’s not Chance vs. Cost, it’s Chance TIMES Cost.

There are five general risk scenarios:

1) Zero-zero.

The probability of the thing happening is zero, and the effect if will have if it does is zero. You don’t need to think about it. You’re not going to be attacked in your bathroom by butterflies. And even if you are attacked, by some extremely remote chance, it’s butterflies. Eh.

2) Zero-Something.

The probability of the thing happening is zero, but the effect if it does happen is significant. You still don’t need to think about it.  You’re not going to be attacked in your bathroom by a sitatunga. Even through such an attack might leave you injured … it’s just not going to happen. Eh.

3) Something-Zero.

The probability of the thing happening is significant, but the effect if it does happen is zero. You don’t need to think about it. A complete stranger is going to someday look at you and think “What a complete asshole.” You will probably never even know it when it happens. But afterward, the two of you will go your separate ways and never see each other again. Eh.

4) Something-Something.

The probability of the thing happening is non-zero, and the effect if it does happen is non-zero.  You’re going to cross the street in traffic and there’s going to be a driver who fails to notice you. He may strike and injure you. Whoa. You definitely need to pay attention, and work to limit the negative outcomes.

And a special case …

5) Something-Infinity

That rock ledge you’re standing on PROBABLY isn’t going to break. Hey, it’s been just that way for tens of thousands of years. But rock ledges DO break, and if this one does, you’re definitely, absolutely, without any doubt, going to fall and die. Double-whoa. You need to not do that thing.

If there’s an ALMOST ZERO chance of the thing happening, but if it DOES happen it will cost you the entire rest of your life, you treat it as if it was an extremely dangerous situation.

Unless and until you think about it, decide the risk is worth it to you personally — that there is some large potential payoff — and deliberately accept that things could go bad.

The point of the Risk Rule isn’t for you to hide yourself away from life and never again ride motorcycles or swim in the ocean, or ski down black diamond runs. The point is 1) to approach each Scenario 5 situation with your eyes open and knowing you’ve made a conscious, adult decision to proceed, and 2) to limit the number of these types of risks you take.

In these cases, Chance X Cost equals some very high level of probability. Over the course of a lifetime, repeatedly taking these kinds of risks increases the potential for a fatal accident. Sooner or later, you will suffer for it. As the saying goes, “There are old pilots and bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots.”

In fact, the same is true of Scenario 4, especially if you’re doing something – smoking, drinking, using drugs – which is non-fatal in the short term but has a cumulative effect toward certain negative health effects. Sooner or later, you’ll suffer some consequence, which may very well include misery and death.

Book of Good Living: The 5 Second Rule

5 secondsNo, this has nothing to do with dropping food on the floor. This is about the OTHER 5 seconds, the one that gives you a cushion of safety in everyday life.

The simplest statement of the rule might be: “Look 5 seconds ahead … in every direction.”

Every person who drives is familiar with the concept of looking ahead. Some of us do it badly, and end up in rear-end collisions, or even pileups. Some of us do it well and see cops on the side of the highway a half mile or so in advance, so we can slow down and avoid a ticket.

As far as pileups are concerned, the critical factor isn’t that the drivers in the rear aren’t looking ahead, it’s that they’re not looking ahead ENOUGH. If you’re only watching the one car 30 feet in front of you while moving at 70 mph, you’re a prime potential victim of a rear-end collision.

Just from the fact that 30 feet is not enough space in which to stop, or even to react, you’re placing your safety in the hands and happenstance of that guy ahead of you. If a deer or a child runs out in front of him and he slams on the brakes, you WILL collide with him. But if you have a full 5 second warning, that’s time enough to brake, to swerve, to do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe. It’s time to see, to analyze, to react to the situation. Think of that 5 seconds as a cushion ahead of you, not just a cushion of time, but of space and circumstance.

Extend the 5 seconds outward in all directions, and in all situations. Because if you could see 5 seconds into the future, you’d never have another accident.

If you’re walking and a car is coming up behind you, it can’t possibly hit you if you foresee and forestall that event … 5 seconds before it happens.

If you’re strolling near a baseball field, and you hear the crack of a solid hit off to the side, that line drive can’t sail over the fence and whack you if you look up and around.

The rule means that you attempt to see intersecting vectors from every direction, no matter what the environment. And not just the vectors that you can predict – for instance, you’re walking along the roadside facing away from traffic and expecting that all the drivers will stay on the road – but the vectors you can’t predict: All those drivers too sleepy or drunk to see you, too involved with texting, too old or tired to notice you, too distracted to stay on the road.

Yes, they all should be doing a better job of driving. But that’s THEIR job. YOUR job is to protect yourself by watching out for your own safety NO MATTER WHAT they do.

Nothing in the 5 Second Rule implies that an injury is your FAULT (and certainly it doesn’t relate to unexpected deliberate attacks). But it is your DUTY to protect yourself, and your loved ones by controlling your own contributory acts – inspecting and foreseeing each hazardous environment and taking whatever action you can to limit risk. You can’t control all the factors out there around you, but you can control your own actions, as you move among those factors, with deliberate foresight and forethought, to lessen the probability. No matter what, if you do get hurt, you’ll probably tell yourself over and over “If I had only …”

Just as you wouldn’t walk out into a lightning storm carrying a tall metal rod, you should never walk in or around traffic with earbuds and loud music blocking your hearing. Nor should you stare down at your smartphone in a way that distracts your vision and attention. Never cross the street with your head down, as I see so many people doing. Never cross without looking at the lights, the traffic, even other pedestrians and cyclists … all the time you’re in the roadway. Because all of that blinds you to the next 5 seconds, and that’s just long enough to be killed by something you could have foreseen.

Inevitably, there will be those who’ll sneer at deliberately enhanced awareness as “paranoia” – a waste of time and energy on imaginary fears. But it isn’t paranoid to look out for yourself in an environment you already know is hazardous.

On a personal note, regarding the charge of paranoia, I’ve gotten to the age of 62 — following the 5 Second Rule most of my life — with never a stitch, never a broken bone, and only one minor auto accident … caused by another driver. I consider those many 5 seconds well spent.

 

Dark Adventures and Dumbfuckery

bear facepalmJust reading a status by a Facebook friend where he talks with pride about his adventures waking up in strange beds and houses, being threatened by men with guns, handcuffed by cops, all sorts of exciting bad-boy mayhem.

And I kinda have to wonder … why go there? Why choose THAT path?

I mean, we live in a world where fantastic adventures are possible, adventures of growth and learning and accomplishment, and even real danger if you want it. You can stand on the floor of Yosemite Valley and look up at men and women climbing a vertical rock wall more than 4,000 feet high. You can BE one of them … and nobody will stop you. You can parachute out of planes from 2 miles in the sky. Scuba dive with whales. Raft the Grand Canyon. Work to be an ace skateboarder. Camp in the wilderness in grizzly country. Learn to throw knives and join the circus. Become a wildland firefighter. And NOBODY WILL STOP YOU. Nobody will even care, except to admire you when they see you doing it.

Why does it have to be shit that gets you in trouble?

To me it’s always looked like a serious failure of imagination — not just of individuals but of entire cultures. I have a sort-of friend in Los Angeles who’s been butting heads with cops and courts his whole adult life. His eyes glow when he talks about his neighbors calling the cops on him for revving his motorcycle after midnight, or a police helicopter circling over his house after a gun was fired into the air at 3 a.m. I hear stories from New York City people, practically on a daily basis, about their many arrests and fights and time in jail.

And damn, what a massive and fruitless waste of time. I mean, what the hell? Is that all there is for some people?

If you were standing in the middle of a 360 degree circle, and every degree marked off some wild adventure, maybe  ONE degree would be the stuff that’s illegal. The rest might be every bit as exciting, every bit as fulfilling, but would contain no threat of arrest or imprisonment. Most of it costs less than drugs. And incidentally doesn’t involve stepping on the rights of the neighbors to enjoy a night of sleep uninterrupted by assholes.

I wish there was a class young men could go through — “How Not To Be A Dumb Fuck” — that would be at least partly about this.

Might be an interesting thing to include in this crowd-sourced, deliberately designed culture I’m thinking of.

I even know some guys — serious adventurers, all — who could teach it.

Processing Atheist Grief: Some Thoughts

blue roseI continue to think about death and grieving, coming up on three years after the passing of my Cowboy Dad (not a blood relative, but someone more special in my life than any of my real relatives). I occasionally have new ideas about the subject. Here’s a couple:

1) If you lose someone to age or illness …

Ask Yourself ‘What If?’

Consider the pain you’re in, the magnitude of it. Now imagine that you could go back in time and change the events of your life so that you’d never met that person. So that when they died, it would be just some stranger off in some distant place, dying a death that would have zero impact on your feelings.

Okay, here’s the big question:

Would you take that trip? Would you relieve yourself of the pain by erasing the entire experience of having them in your life? Would you rather never have known your son — your sister, your mom, your grandmother, your wife, your dad, your best friend — never have had them in your life for those years (or months!) … so you wouldn’t have to feel like this now?

If your answer is NO!!, as mine was, it’s because you know you wouldn’t trade a day of that too-brief togetherness, even for a lifetime’s freedom from grief. This pain is, in its left-handed way, a GOOD thing, a necessary thing, and shouldn’t be avoided.

Grief is love.

That’s what it is. Love, interrupted. Few of us would trade love for the tepid unconcern we feel for distant strangers.

2) On the other hand, if you lose someone suddenly, so that you don’t get to hear their final thoughts, or tell them yours …

Write a Letter

Not long back, I hit on the idea of writing a letter to my dad. I was thinking it would be cathartic in that I would get to say some things I’d thought of since his death, additional things I would like to have said to him in his final days. And I still intend to write that letter (and maybe some letters to OTHER departed friends), but meanwhile, when I started writing, it was this other letter, the one HE would have written to ME, that came out.

I discovered I really could write his letter. When you know someone so well through the familiarity of years of close attention and love, you can often tell what they might say on any subject. What sort of goodbye would he write to me? In part, it would be this:

Hank, thank you so much for being there in my last days. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to open my eyes and see, not just a hospital and nurses, but somebody who loved me. And it was clear all those years, even when you were unhappy with me for not calling, that you really loved me. Dying is scary business, and it helped to have you there, talking to me and touching me, in my last hours and days. There can’t be many greater gifts to give a friend than to be by their side at the end, comforting and caring. I want you to know I heard everything you said, and it made those last days bearable, knowing I was loved so much by someone I cared about.

Just like you, I wish we’d had time for one more pack trip, one more fishing expedition, one more Whiskey Ditch, one more shot of Apricot Brandy. I saved up some jokes from the years we were apart, and I would have loved telling you one or two of them.

One of the best things ever to happen to me was meeting you, having you in my life all those years. Partner, I couldn’t have asked for a better heir to remember me and carry on with life in grand style.

I know you’ll do something wonderful with your life. I ask you to remember this: Find someone to love, find someone to love you, and live your life to the fullest. Have your adventures, make your life as full as you can of the things that only you can do. I know you have greatness in you, and the world needs you as your best self.

For whatever mistakes you feel you’ve made with me, I forgive you. None of that stuff ever really mattered to me. For the mistakes I made on my side, I hope you can forgive me.

I’ll close for now. Well, I guess I wish I’d done more with my life, but all in all, it wasn’t a bad one. I got to do the thing I loved, being a packer and wilderness guide, living in a place I loved, for 60 years and more. I met some wonderful people, and had my own adventures to be proud of. And it wasn’t such a bad end, was it? I wouldn’t have chosen this time to go out, but knowing I was going, at least I got to choose the way of it. Despite being in a hospital bed, I think I died with my boots on, as Louis L’Amour would have put it.

Hank, I wish I could always be there for you, but the best I can do is tell you that you were on my mind in all the years I knew you, and I thought nothing but the best of you.  In return, I hope you’ll remember me in all the good times we shared. You called them Golden Moments, and there were a lot of them between us. I hope you live a long time, finding all the happiness and success and adventure you deserve, making your own Golden Moments over the years to come.

You were one of the good things in my life, partner. Thank you for being my friend, my confidant, my audience. My Son.

Take care.

Dan

Final Notes

When it comes to dealing with death, we unbelievers are imagined to be at a disadvantage compared to believers. After all, having no Heaven to hold the spirits of our missing loved ones, we have to live with the constant grim reality of Real Death.

Probably even most of US believe that, on some level. But we stick to our guns, feeling that we’d rather experience this pain than live by lies.

The thing is, my own careful considerations about religion and its repercussions, over decades, has invariably shown that reality-based thinking is better. The chief reason always seems to be that religious thinking is just about 180 degrees opposite of reality.

Atheism itself, viewed through the lens of religion, looks like a hateful assault on all things good, a refusal to accept the glorious wonders of God’s Kingdom on Earth. But what it REALLY is, is the opposite. It’s a respect, a love, for true things and real people, unsullied by a harmful, petty fantasy. It’s the hope that the lives of everybody and everything can be made better, if we only claw our way out of the falsehood and begin to understand the way things really work.

Likewise, I think grief as an atheist is better than that same grief colored with a religious filter.  Far from being at a disadvantage, I sense that we atheists/unbelievers have great advantages over believers. The problem is, having had to exist in goddy culture that has stifled and stepped on non-religious thought for thousands of years, we don’t yet have clear ideas of what-all those advantages might be.

But we will. We’ll find them.

 

Beta Culture: Blowing in the Wind … Ordinary People.

dust bowlI’m thinking all at once about government and royalty, churches and corporations, unions and cultures. And us.

Some of what I try to do in attempting to understand the world around me is to take a distant look at what’s going on, rather than a close-up look, searching for broad patterns and underlying motivations. I sometimes even joke that I’m an alien just visiting here to study Earth humans, expecting that eventually my real people will show up and take me back home.

I’ll tell you something of what I think I see:

Much as we’re hatin’ on government these days, the IDEA of democratic government is a really good one. The top-down chief/royalty/big-muckamuck model works very well in enforcing obedience and tribal solidarity, but not so well in encouraging independent thought and creative innovation.

Democracy is actually a rather inspired invention, when you think about it in evolutionary terms, bringing with it all sorts of advances. Coupled with freely-available education, a natural adjunct to democracy, it freed the inventive power of the individual in a way that produced leaps in progress rather than plodding sameness.

The royalty model is democracy’s natural enemy, seeking as it does to concentrate power in the hands of a fortunate few. Traditionally, these fortunate few were kings, emperors, etc., rising to the top (being born into it, actually, most of them) with just about zero input from the public they came to rule, and remaining there with just about zero broad concern for that public.

Something interesting I’ve noted in the past was the power of churches as it related to government. Though a king might rule his subjects through fear, with the open threat of murder or violence, of military might, there was a social power that could nevertheless threaten the rule of the king. That power was religion. The king who defied the dictates of a religion deeply held by his subjects, was potentially subject to overthrow.

And yet the model of religion was itself based on royalty – an unelected, somewhat mysterious priesthood that answered to a single supreme authority. As to the supreme authority, the window-dressing of a central divine personage served only to hide the real power, the pope or other leader who could wield the power of life and death over his subjects.

This power that could challenge kings coincidentally relied on the exact same motivation, fear, for control of its subjects.

In a way religion and royalty were natural allies. Each used the other as a prime tool of control. It was historically rare that one openly warred with the other, but their relationship was probably always a tense one, due to the fact that they were different forces, each with their own goals and values.

So: Democracy came along, creating something new.

The previous idea was that power originated in the king, but could be lent out to deserving subjects or officials. For any herd animal with a dominance hierarchy, this was a natural idea to have, as it tied in well with the reality of our natures.

The new idea was that power originated in the individual, and could be lent out – temporarily, and in small amounts – to people who were not leaders but, theoretically at least, servants of their tribe. This was a pretty radical idea in some ways, as it seems to overturn a basic aspect of our natures. Some part of us very much likes standing subordinate to a chieftain. In practice, those “servants” have typically acted as leaders, meaning the new idea keeps the hierarchy intact, but arrives at it, through voting, in a more cerebral, less violent way. It also provides for the periodic replacement of current leaders with fresh ones, mostly preventing generational dynasties.

Even better under this new model, rather than frightening your subjects you had to gain their trust, promise them something for the loan of their power, and at least nominally adhere to that promise.

Too, the amount of power lent was that minimal amount necessary to do the job of serving public needs, and nothing more. All of us clearly recognize when public servants are stepping beyond the bounds of their lent power; using public offices for personal aggrandizement or wealth-gathering is offensive to the nature of this unspoken agreement of borrowed power.

(On the other hand, the Catholic Church — though dramatically lessened in relation to its historic peak — still exists, and enjoys a fairly royal approach to leadership. Though popes are “elected,” they are elected by an cadre of insiders, they serve for life, and they enjoy power over the whole of the Catholic “kingdom.”)

Meanwhile, in a reverse of the royalty-to-democracy trend, yet another somewhat royal power has entered the stage – corporations.

Though initially dependent on government for their existence, and very much subject to the laws and regulations of the countries and states in which they resided, they’ve gotten to a point of wealth and power that rivals, and surpasses in some cases, nations. Certainly they have little to fear from governments in the sense of penalties beyond the monetary. The people who make up corporations are shielded from punishment for crimes committed by the corporation. Though those acts are in reality ordered or allowed by the leaders of the corporation, rather than the corporation itself (which has no real existence), they are shielded from arrest or penalty in the same way royalty would be shielded from arrest or punishment for acts that, by ordinary citizens, would be considered crimes (or criminal negligence).

In theory, corporations are subject to the will of their customers but other than committing blatant, egregious human rights violations, they have a fairly free hand to do whatever they want. (Including, in at least one noteworthy case, maintaining a private security force that amounts to a standing army, complete with military-grade weapons.)

Here’s the thing that worries me: Corporations these days, and the fantastically wealthy people who run them – in the body of Fox News, the Koch Brothers, etc. – in many ways enjoy power OVER the U.S. government.

From TPM:

Asking “[w]ho really rules?” researchers Martin Gilens and Benjamin I. Page argue that over the past few decades America’s political system has slowly transformed from a democracy into an oligarchy, where wealthy elites wield most power.

Using data drawn from over 1,800 different policy initiatives from 1981 to 2002, the two conclude that rich, well-connected individuals on the political scene now steer the direction of the country, regardless of or even against the will of the majority of voters

Quoting Noam Chomsky:

In the work that’s essentially the gold standard in the field, it’s concluded that for roughly 70% of the population – the lower 70% on the wealth/income scale – they have no influence on policy whatsoever. They’re effectively disenfranchised. As you move up the wealth/income ladder, you get a little bit more influence on policy. When you get to the top, which is maybe a tenth of one percent, people essentially get what they want, i.e. they determine the policy. So the proper term for that is not democracy; it’s plutocracy.

Where once government was an arm of public service, it is now very much a tool of wealth and corporate power. The rich warred against the power of government in subtle ways, co-opting elected officials, judges and laws. Even the public dialog upon which our understanding of the rights of individuals and the duties of government was based, is now so tweaked that plenty of people have little or no understanding of what’s going on. The people government once served can now be persuaded to vote against their own well-being. To whatever extent government can still be said to serve at the will of the public, it nevertheless acts in opposition to that same public’s interests.

As a for-instance, an overwhelming majority of voters in the U.S. oppose the Supreme Court ruling in the Citizens United case, in which corporations were ruled to possess “free speech” rights allowing them unlimited contribution to political campaigns. Yet, four years later, that ruling is still comfortably embedded in U.S. law, and has received only tepid opposition from elected officials.

Let me talk about another non-royal organization — unions — for a second. A union is organized by people, for people, and is neither government nor corporation. Further, the stated goal of a union is to fight for the rights of its members, AGAINST corporations and even governments. If I was trying to pick out any organization that was the fullest expression of democratic, non-royal principles, I’d have to say it was the union.

But unions too were warred upon by corporations, and with government help during and after the Reagan years, became critically weakened shells of their former selves. Meant to be defenders of citizen-workers, they are now almost powerless in any large sense.

So, here’s one side with multinational corporations which in many ways enjoy the equivalent of royal power, largely free of government interference and serving our interests only as it coincides with their own profit motive. Here are churches which are autocratically ruled profit-making bodies that rarely take stands in favor of ordinary people against either corporations or government. And here is government itself, co-opted to serve as a funding source, protector, lawmaking body and close ally of corporations.

And on the other side, our side, the side of ordinary people, we have unions, created to serve and defend the interests of their members, but drastically weakened for actually doing it.

And damned little else.

There are plenty of narrowly-focused online organizations which fight for fairness and right action by government and corporations, but the power they generally wield is persuasive or revelatory power only. A corporation or a government official might be embarrassed into right action, but as far as compelling the target to act fairly, these organizations are toothless.

In light of all this, I again see a place in our lives for Beta Culture.

I imagine Beta Culture as a place of ease and familiarity for people like us – metaphorically a sort of big friendly dog that can wag and comfort – but also, once it progresses past puppyhood, a creature with the teeth and strength to fiercely defend us when the occasion arises.

And yet again, that’s something I really want.

Corporations have the wealth and power to look out for themselves. They also, frequently, have government and the legal system looking out for them. Government has a multimillion-person force of career employees and elected officials, as well as its own army and police forces, to look out for itself.

Ordinary people have little or nothing to fight for them. The happy fiction is that the corporations, government, and all the aforementioned uniformed might are on our side, but to me that appears to be true only as long as we are rich, secure, and don’t actually disagree with them.

Hopefully someday we will have this other thing.

Beta Culture: The Story Behind the Stories

ÿEvery culture has stories. I don’t mean the entertaining fictions of story books or novels or other popular entertainment. I mean this other kind, something out in plain sight, but also sort of hidden.

Stories about how things fit together. Stories about relationships, about the duties children owe to parents, and parents to children. Stories about how man and woman relate, and the ways to create family. Stories about the regard each person owes to neighbors. Stories about how to do everyday things, and how to handle the unexpected. Stories about social currents, and current events. Stories about strangers, and how they should be viewed and treated. Stories about intertribal war and fighting. Stories about the mishaps of life, and how to deal with them. Stories about death and how it takes us. Stories about babies, and the renewal of life. Stories about vast forces that can deliver a fortune one day and disaster the next.

You may not know any of this, and might even be under the impression that you aren’t affected by story-making in and around your life. The stories don’t care. They’re out there whether we believe in them or not, all the time, and you and I both are subject to them.

“Stories” as a subject is a funny one, in that … well, we’re so used to living our lives according to these stories, using them to guide our thinking and daily actions, that we’re largely unaware it’s happening. If we do stumble across the idea one day, we dismiss it almost instantly. Me? Subject to stories? No, I’m a 100-percent self-willed rational being!

Big Man, Little Man

I’ll tell you about one that I saw happening, that sort of opened my eyes to the idea.

I worked for a newspaper for 8 years, and it was a fairly illuminating experience in a number of ways. I had an article come across my desk one night, something written by one of our local reporters about a tragic event that happened in a nearby town. At a junior ice hockey game, two attending fathers got into a verbal confrontation. Might have been over a play, a referee call, I don’t remember.

I do distinctly remember one of the hockey dads was a rather large man, the other was more my size – shrimpy. The confrontation included these details: The instigator of the confrontation was almost entirely the little guy. We had a saying in Texas where I grew up – “You’re about to let your eagle beak overload your hummingbird ass.” – something that fits this situation to a tee. The little guy had a mouth on him like a dock worker, and he verbally flayed the big guy, goading him until, eventually, the big guy popped him a good one with his fist.

The little guy went down, hit his head on the concrete floor, and died.

Of course any event like that has follow-up details that go into following articles. There was the arrest, the arraignment, quotes from both families on what they were going through. But the follow-up stories said nothing at all about the little guy goading the big guy. They were written so that the factually-detailed account faded, and a STORY took its place.

The STORY was this: Big man hits little man and kills him, without provocation. The half-hidden narrative developed over a period of weeks, until it was eventually something like “large, violent bully hits peaceful inoffensive little nebbish and kills him.”

Let me pause a minute and toss something at you. You might find yourself even now silently saying, “Well, whatever the little guy did or said, he didn’t deserve to DIE for it.”

And yes, yes, you’d be right. I’d never say he did. But in the heat of the moment, I think you can imagine a little Napoleon-complex guy goading another person – even a big, gentle man – into such heated anger that one little punch might seem like the thing to do. Certainly if he goaded and ridiculed a woman like that in public, we’d all cheer if she finally hauled off and slapped him. If he did it to a cop, most of us would understand if the cop took him down and arrested him.

Besides which, the dying was a wholly unexpected end to the confrontation, something nobody, including the shocked and mortified big guy, could have foreseen.

I lost interest in the sequence of events midway through the thing, but I imagine that STORY, “large, violent bully hits peaceful inoffensive little nebbish and kills him” followed the big guy into the courtroom and weighed heavily in his eventual fate.

The thing I’m saying is that, in this case, what got out to the newspaper’s readership wasn’t the simple facts of the case, it was a STORY. A comfortable, familiar narrative that included certain facts, left others out with a sort of weird deliberateness, and delivered a satisfying, and even expected, conclusion.

I’m often surprised at how often I find myself buying into stories like this. I’m always a little bit disturbed when I realize that I’m doing it, but I’m VERY disturbed when I see that everybody else is doing it too, no questions or doubts expressed. What could a thing like that mean? What is the effect on the society in which it takes place?

Uncle Joe

I’m take a detour for a second so I can make a slightly different point: I had an uncle who lived with my family for a year or two when I was in junior high. He had some serious health problems that included MS and diabetes, so he was pretty much of a mess physically. He also sometimes flew into rages for no good reason. From this end of my life history, all of that is understandable, but at the time, the focus of those rages was often me. He was insulting, goading, verbally abusive to a 14-year-old, 4-foot-something tall, high-strung, sensitive kid. He was, in short, an asshole. A bully.

It took me years and years, long after Uncle Joe was dead, to formulate a conclusion about this sort of thing. But the conclusion was: Handicapped people can be assholes. They can be bullies. Verbally and emotionally, they can be the aggressors to people who are strong and healthy, but who have no recourse but to sit and take it.

Yet this flies in the face of the STORY we have about handicapped people: Because we are all so much bigger and stronger and healthier, we have to give handicapped people special leeway, special help, overlooking whatever little inconveniences they might visit upon us.

Out in the real world, I’m fully on board with the idea of helping handicapped people make their way in the world. But I’m also cognizant of this allied issue – that politeness is something EVERYBODY owes his fellow man. I know that I myself have a certain amount of independent pride, and I imagine everyone around me feels the same way. Even in the face of accommodating the needs of the handicapped, nobody deserves abuse.

If you think about it, that sort of “so far and no farther” reaction is an honest one, a reaction that treats the handicapped person not as a pitiful permanent victim, but as a PERSON. An equal, at least in the vein of recognizing each other as individuals from whom is expected certain bare minimums of respect.

I suspect most of us learn this lesson late, if at all, and when the STORY of “handicapped person” comes into our lives, react with predictable generosity and understanding, even sometimes to the point of taking undeserved crap.

Stories of the Downtrodden

So the point is, STORIES – even those that parallel deeply held humanitarian sentiments – can vary from the facts of any specific case. They can be false.

We have a STORY about Jews. “Jews are the downtrodden, the once-and-forever victims of the Holocaust, and the world owes them generous special treatment to make up for that historic horror.” According to this story, Jews could never be the aggressors. They are an inoffensive people give to study and thought, and know nothing of the arts of fighting and killing. All they want is to be left alone  to raise their families, to quietly go about their lives and live in peace.

We have a STORY about race. Part of that story is that there are BLACK PEOPLE and WHITE PEOPLE, and the WHITE PEOPLE are the aggressive subjugators of the BLACK PEOPLE. The BLACK PEOPLE have been held down for too long by the WHITE PEOPLE, and now deserve a certain amount of generous accommodation as they try to bootstrap themselves back up from poverty and slavery.

WHITE PEOPLE, meanwhile, are the permanently advantaged descendants of slave masters, and even today, bend themselves to keeping down the BLACK PEOPLE. Every WHITE PERSON enjoys vast advantages over every BLACK PERSON, living in the ease and the comfort of permanent privilege.

At the same time, some of us have this different STORY about black people, that they are lazy, shiftless social parasites, drug addicts and sex fiends who have baby after baby so they can get more and more welfare.

From the modern feminist camp, we have a STORY about gender relations. MEN are the sole source of problems for WOMEN, with every MAN a rapist barely held in check, every WOMAN a helpless victim of never-ending abuse and sexual harassment. Furthermore, though we live in a fairly rich country, and enjoy huge material and social advantages over people in other countries, this is RAPE CULTURE, and every woman is under constant threat of being thrown to the ground and brutalized. Meanwhile, no MAN is disadvantaged in relation to WOMEN, and the idea there is any need for a movement to establish equality for MEN is laughable. Rather than equality-ism, the only thing we need is feminism.

Understand that all of these STORIES may have elements of either truth or falsehood, or both,  in them. In any particular case, the story may be wholly true. But also, in any specific case, the story may be completely false. It may be somewhere in between.

Those of us watching the events in Israel at the moment, where Israelis are bombing Palestinian cities and killing civilians, including innocent-bystander women and children, have certain evidence that the STORY of the inoffensive, victimized Jew, may not be entirely reliable.

Those of us watching the events in Ferguson, Missouri, where a young man was shot and killed by a policeman, are being treated to the STORY of an unarmed young black man brutally killed by an out-of-control cop, for no reason at all. Initially I myself leaned toward accepting that interpretation. Yet as facts of the events become more available, it turns out the situation is slightly more complex than the first-presented STORY, and I feel much less certain.

The Coloring of Thought

The point of all this is that, for most of us, some large part of how we relate to the world around us is through the filter of these stories. They give us ready ways to interpret events as they happen around us, but they also put us at a powerful disadvantage if we aspire to be independent rational beings who live our lives in close accord with reality.

If you live your life by stories and never pull back the curtain to see what lies behind them, you’re a sort of unwitting servant of the stories. See that word, “unwitting”? UN-WIT-ting. You’re NOT THINKING. Instead, you’re … following along. Reacting. Reacting AUTOMATICALLY in certain ways and not others. Ways that have unintended consequences for you and the society we all live in, but also ways that can be predicted and used by people who understand how all this works, and who consciously and deliberately create some of these stories.

For instance, the STORY that George W. Bush was a great president who kept us safe, who never made a mistake, who to this day is not responsible for any bad thing that happened during the post-Sept. 11 era. Or by contrast, the STORY that Barack Obama is a secret Muslim, a socialist and an enemy of America, out to destroy everything good. Or the related STORY that the people believing this are not racists, nothing like racists, and have good reasons to want to impeach this coincidentally-BLACK president. Believe it: These stories were deliberately created to build and maintain political power, and to avoid certain unpleasant consequences of the truth. Whatever side you happen to be on, automatically buying into the STORY of your side might make you feel good, but is not the most useful life-strategy. Unpleasant facts, things you don’t want to believe in, can still be facts.

The worst part of all of this is, if stories are all that informs your thinking, you are a puppet – not to another person – but to something that isn’t even alive and conscious. You’re being run by a THING.

This is not something you can tolerate if you aspire to the status of a reasoning being.

In a way that modern U.S. culture decidedly does not, I’d like Beta Culture to understand that these stories exist, and to have a permanent mechanism for recognizing and revealing them for public consideration. Every Beta adult could more carefully study those stories that interested them, hopefully to make enlightened, independent, rational conclusions about the facts of each case.

The Other Side of ‘Poor Robin Williams’

Robin WilliamsSome part of this is probably gonna make you uncomfortable, but I’m gonna just toss it out here anyway:

Robin Williams died today, of an apparent suicide. It’s strange how much it affects me. Years back when I was on vacation and Stephen Jay Gould died, I called home crying. That guy MATTERED to me. He was one of my people, a smart man and a scientist. The world was a colder, dumber, less interesting place when he died.

And now Robin Williams is gone.

On Facebook, a lot of people are posting and talking about this, and most of them are saying how great he was — as a comedian, a dramatic actor, a humanitarian, so much more.

But I’m also seeing a number of posts about depression and mental illness, along the lines of “Anyone can suffer from depression, etc.” About how terrible it is. About how none of us really understands what people with depression and mental illness are going through.

And yes, I agree with that. Hey, I had it. There was a year, back in about 1985, when I got so far down I felt … nothing. No feelings at all. I didn’t even feel suicidal, because that would have taken effort, and I just didn’t have the juice.

There is a depression beyond anything normal people know about. It’s like a black beyond black, a whole new spectrum of darkness that opens up once you get past all the colors and the light goes out. It’s the depression of no energy, no emotions, a place where even pasting an expression on your face is something like lifting heavy weights.

I was there for most of a year.

And then I got better. Part of it was getting a dog, something I had to rouse myself to care for. Another part, a big part, was I had my supportive, patient Cowboy Dad. (If you don’t know who that was, it’s a whole other story.)

But another part of the healing, I’m pretty well convinced, was because I got out of the family situation, and home culture, that put me there. Honestly, I haven’t felt a day of depression since then. I’ve long since concluded I wasn’t the type of person who simply has unworkable brain chemistry or whatever. I was depressed BECAUSE OF STUFF THAT WAS DONE TO ME. And once I got away from it, I started, and continued, to get better. There were definite lasting effects of the whole mess, but whatever problems I have today, depression isn’t one of them.

Anyway, here’s what I want to talk about:

I’d characterize Robin Williams as a certifiable genius. I don’t mean “genius” in the general fluff way, or as some sort of pun on his role of Genie in the Aladdin movie. I mean GENIUS. Fantastically, unbelievably brilliant. A 200-watt creative intellect in a world of 100-watt (and below) standard human duffers. A guy so energetic of mind and body he gave off HEAT when he entered a room, and everybody turned to see.

It’s genius I want to talk about. Because I don’t know anybody else’s experience, I’ll have to talk about mine:

I am NOT a genius. But my IQ is pretty high. Though I’ve dropped out now, I was a Mensa member for five years or so. Mensa is the worldwide high-IQ society, and I qualified from the time I was in the 6th grade. I didn’t actually join until decades later, but my IQ score was, as my 6th grade teacher told me, the highest he’d ever seen. (Ha! Bear in mind this was Houston.)

Guess what that’s like.

On the plus side, the journey of my life has been a very cool one. I feel that I’ve gotten to see things most of my friends and family didn’t see, couldn’t see, gotten to understand things they could never understand. Of course, I also got to make some rare mistakes, mistakes they never would have made, doing things in ways that never would have occurred to them. (And sadly, some of the things you see – things that other people blithely miss – are scary and depressing.)

On the minus side … Growing up in Texas, my closest friends were rodeo cowboys, and we lived in a backwatery country culture that prized cleverness but not intelligence. Hell, I had people on my back all the time because I read BOOKS.

Here’s my stepfather from when I was 15 and on: “Yuh ort to git yer nose outta them books, Boy. Quit that goddam school and go git chu a job.”

Yes, this is me saying it, but the fact is, I was a LOT smarter than every one of my close friends. But I expended a great deal of energy at masking it. Every once in a while, I’d slip up by using a big word, or by expressing an unapproved interest or an unusual viewpoint. I would forget where I was and just be myself for a moment. I would think about stuff and then tell people what I’d thought. Or they’d catch me writing – WRITING!! – in my Journal. And damn, if your home culture doesn’t value intelligence and thoughtfulness, or sensitivity, or writing (!!), you don’t want to do any of that.

Which means exactly this: It was lonely. And boring. (There was a price on that last bit: Because I almost never needed to study, I ended up developing very bad study habits that would cost me dearly in later years.)

I must have thought a thousand times over the years, “Where are the classes that would be exciting and challenging? Where’s the school that I’d fit in? Where are MY people, the people who think about things? Where’s MY world?”

In every school I attended, there were special programs and classes for the slow and mentally handicapped, but nothing for the gifted. It goes without saying that any normal class you were in usually moved at the speed of the slowest kids in the room. The speed of glaciers, it seemed to me. Some of my teachers would even stop calling on me, so the other kids could have a chance to answer questions or go the board and work problems. I took to sitting in the back of some of my classrooms, sneaking in novels to read. By my senior year in high school, I was skipping an average of one day a week, forging notes from my mom that said, literally, “Please excuse Hank for missing class Friday as he did not feel like coming to school.”

[ All those teachers that covered for me, if you’re still out there, thank you soooo much. You rock.]

The obvious assumption by the people who plan classes and academic help is that the bright kids don’t need anything, that with limited time and money, it’s the slow kids who should get the help.

Outside school, there were social things that happened. I learned that boy, oh boy, you definitely didn’t want to toot your own horn in the field of brain. If the subject of your musical ability came up in conversation, people would chime in with compliments. If it was your athletic ability, people would gush about it, with admiring comments and even envy. Your artistic or performing gifts – rave reviews.

But your INTELLIGENCE … no. Nothing. You didn’t even dare bring it up. You might brag about your other gifts, but damn, you did NOT want to say anything about your intelligence. Because while some of the guys might be jealous about your athletic ability, they didn’t dare be too critical, for fear of turning the spotlight back on their clumsy, wimpy selves. But one and all, they could – and did – make fun of your brains. “You dumbass! For somebody so smart, you sure are stupid.”

It got to where I was hiding everything I could, never letting on that my friend’s interests and topics of conversation bored the hell out of me (Race cars? Shooting pool? Soupin’ up your truck? Coon huntin’? Coon huntin’ DOGS? Gah.)  I liked THEM, but not a lot of what they did or said.

So: Lonely. Boring. For years and year and years.

The best thing I ever did was when I was 22, I lit out for California, settling in a little ski resort town, where I made new friends, found a whole new world of interests and activities, and met my Cowboy Dad.

Witness the fact of the Tea Party here in the U.S., as a data point for the argument that intelligence is not much prized. Even among some fairly bright people, talking about your intelligence is not something you do. Again, you might actually brag about being a great tennis player, or an accomplished cyclist, or even just play up your handsome/beautiful looks, and people will agree with you. People will admire you. But if you say anything about your brain, much less your GENIUS, it’s embarrassing to everyone in earshot.

You simply DON’T talk about your own intelligence. Not at any time, not in any place. Instead you make jokes. You self-deprecate. You act goofy. You distract from the subject. You laugh at yourself. In a way that you never would with any other gift.

Yeah.

So here we are talking about Robin Williams. And yes, some of us are talking about his genius. But at least as many are talking about his depression, his Mental Illness.

Poor Robin Williams was MENTALLY ILL. We should do more for the MENTALLY ILL. We should be more sensitive to the needs of the MENTALLY ILL. Oh god, most of us have no idea what the MENTALLY ILL are going through.

And I’m all for that sort of discussion, every bit of it.

But I’m going to suggest that there’s this other thing we might think about, talk about, at the same time.

Let’s talk about the needs of the MENTALLY GIFTED.

Let’s notice the kids with extraordinary gifts. Notice the young adults of quiet intelligence, and do something for THEM. See if they need anything. Set up programs to feed them, nurture them, value them, challenge them. Value the bright adults in your life. Tell them, show them, that they matter to you, and that they matter because of their gifts.

Because some of those brilliant people who suffer depression, maybe they don’t suffer depression because hey, those creative types are always on the edge of suicide, aren’t they bro? Maybe they suffer depression because, to them, they live in Bizarro World, a place that runs a half speed too slow, that delivers a constant stream of depressingly dumb social and cultural whitewash, a place that can never value them, can never give them the same sort of welcome it gives the average and the less than average, a place that forces them, as the price of acceptance, to make jokes about their own best attribute.

Maybe they suffer depression because there is no place for them here, and they know it isn’t going to get any better. Because we’ve never built a place for them, and indeed, can’t even talk about them without qualifying every sentence with “Well, you know, INTELLIGENCE ISN’T EVERYTHING. And besides, IQ IS JUST A NUMBER.”

Maybe people like Robin Williams aren’t mentally ill. Maybe they’re so good, so bright, so creative, so sensitive – all of this in a world that can’t give them what they really need, a sense of being SEEN, of being VISIBLE (and no, being on screen is not, or may not, be that), of being known and loved for being their brilliant true selves, and by people whose opinions they value – that they eventually run out of steam and just … die.

The Book of Good Living: Standing in Line

good stuffToo harsh? Anything you’d add?

The General Rule

It all comes down to fairness. It’s fair that the guy who got there first deserves to be waited on first. If there are people behind you in line, NOTICE THEM, and remember you’re taking their time too. Do the deed and move along.

If you were in traffic and the light turned green, other drivers would expect you to move off immediately, not sit there texting or talking or dithering. And so would you. They’ve got 30 minutes for lunch, they’re late for an appointment, they have to get home right away, they want to get on with their day. Care about it and move things along.

C’mon, you’ve been standing in lines since you were 5 years old. You know the drill; you just have to do it.

A. Cashiering

1) Cashiers: If there’s a small crowd of people standing randomly out there, don’t just grab the first person your eyes fall on. Ask “Who was next?” The people waiting out there KNOW who was next.

2) Cashiers: This is your job, not private time to socialize with your friend or off-duty co-worker. Your first priority is customers, always. If people are waiting, every second you spend chatting with your friend is stolen from others. “Sorry, got people waiting. Catch me on my break.”

3) Customers: This is not the time to go on with the cashier about little Bobby’s baseball game, or the weather. She can’t gracefully say “Gotta cut you off, you’re taking up these other people’s time.” Smile at her and move on.

4) Customers: If the cashier or order person ignores you in favor of a private conversation, walk the hell out and call the manager, or the corporate office. They really do want to know. Chances are everybody involved will remember you, and it will never happen again.

B. Waiting

1) Fair’s fair. If someone is ahead of you, they’re ahead of you. Signal them to go ahead, even if there’s some confusion on the part of the cashier.

2) No cuts. Seriously, are you 8 years old? The guy behind you is behind YOU, not your whole family and extended friends list who happen to stroll up when you reach the first position. If you all want to go together, how about YOU move to the rear of the line with them?

3) It just takes some people longer. Be patient with them. They probably don’t mean to be like that. It might be their first time at this joint. They might be new to the country, or Planet Earth.

4) If there are 4 of you, Mommy and Daddy and Millie and Billy, but only one of you is ordering, have that one person stand in line and order. The rest of you, move slightly away so others can see the menu, the second register, etc.

5) We all deserve some personal space. Don’t loom, don’t touch, especially with women. Stand back a ways from the person in front of you.

6) Speak up. If a guy walks past you and up to the counter when it was your turn, say “I’m sorry, I was ahead of you.” Use a carrying voice if you feel the need. Nobody will think less of you, and you do have the right not to be stepped on. Also: If somebody’s being a dick, and someone else speaks up, back that guy up by also speaking up. “I’m sorry, he’s right. He was next, and we all know it. You’ll have to step back.”

C. Ordering

1) Get off your fucking phone and do your business. Don’t waste other people’s time. Repeat to yourself: “Order. Pay. Get out of the way.”

2) If you stand in line for 5 minutes before finally reaching the order desk, and THEN start peering dopily at the menu and thinking about what you want, you have failed as a human being and probably deserve to be clocked on the back of the head. That guy behind you probably knows exactly what he wants, and the lady behind him ditto. Think ahead at least enough to know pretty much what you want by the time you get there. If you’re a parent, get your kid’s order settled while you wait, not when you reach the counter.

3) If you’re in a group, it’s even more important that everybody figures out what they want before you get to the order desk. Laugh and talk after you get back to your table.

4) If there’s nobody behind you in line, you have time to explore all the hidden options of the Secret Menu. If it’s lunch hour, and there are 8 people in line behind you, order something off the menu with no substitutions. Play gourmet next time.

D. Paying

1) Hey, dummy. You’re in line to buy something, right? There will be this moment when you have to pay for it, right? Don’t just stand there like a cotton-headed sock monkey and then go “Oh, goodness, let me find my little wallet” when it’s time to pay. Have your card or your money ready, or where you can get to it quickly.

2) If it’s a really busy day, move to the side slightly before tucking away your receipt and change.

3) Coin Purse Ladies Only: If there are people behind you, don’t go searching for your little coin purse and then fish around in it for that last penny of exact change. Nobody’s getting any younger; move things along.

E. Picking Up

1) If you’ve ordered and there’s a pickup point down the counter, move there. Don’t stand blocking the order counter.

2) Emergency assistance: If the lady who just picked up her order comes back to complain that her order wasn’t right, make allowances. She deserves to get what she ordered, just as you do. Waiting in line again isn’t fair.

_______________________

Couple of good comments from Facebook:

Chris Leithiser: When you’ve put all your groceries/items on the conveyor belt at the checkstand, it’s YOUR job to put a divider AFTER them. If there are none available, wait until one comes free and then do it. That way the person after you can start unloading her basket.

Dayla Reagan-Buell: I allow people behind me at the grocery store to go before me if they have fewer items — especially if the have ice cream, bags of ice etc.

 

Reimagining the Conceptual Foundation of Atheism

The_ThinkerInevitably, in any discussion with those critical of atheism, you’ll hear “You can’t prove there’s no God, therefore atheism is not logically supportable.”

Here’s the counter: There’s this thought experiment we’ve been conducting for the past three centuries or so, the thought experiment of “What if everything works by completely natural laws and forces, with no capricious supernatural superbeings involved?”

It doesn’t matter whether or not the supernatural superbeings exist! We just decided to see what we could come up with if we assumed they didn’t. It was a trial run regarding a certain way of thinking.

That thought experiment, science, has paid off in practically everything you see around you. Not one object in my modern house, no part of our cellphones or computers or cars, nothing in modern medicine, depends on belief in gods for its existence, and in fact, could not have been created (and demonstrably was not created) by people operating solely on faith. It turns out that the thought experiment of science returned massive benefits, things never before seen, or possible, in the thousands of years before we tried it.

Atheism is this same type of thought experiment, a trial run of “IF WE ASSUME no gods exist … How would society look? How would government work? What would morality be like? How would we relate to each other? And … is it possible that by assuming this we might see the same massive benefits socially as we got scientifically?”

You don’t have to prove there’s no God to be an atheist. Atheism is a thought experiment, and every atheist — every person! — is perfectly justified in performing it. The goal of this thought experiment is not rock-solid proof of the non-existence of gods. In fact, that question is virtually irrelevant. The goal is to see what social and cultural benefits we can obtain from postulating that we live in a world devoid of mystical forces. A world where the things HUMANS do and think is the main deciding factor in eventual outcomes.

Just as it was with science, the result of this experiment might be off the charts of anything we’ve seen until now.

Beta Culture: The Book of Good Living … Again

good stuffIf you’re a long-time reader here, you may remember a couple of Beta-Culture-related posts from 2012 about The Book of Good Living. If not, it’s like this:

You know all that wisdom the Bible supposedly contains? The Talmud? The Koran? What if you could get wisdom about life without all the goddy freight mixed in? Without all the “GOD SAYS DO THIS, DO THAT, OR BURN IN HELL FOREVER!” Might not be a bad thing, huh?

The general model for where you get all the good advice is your parents, aunts and uncles and grandparents. Mom teaches you how to cross the street, dad teaches you how to handle tools, Paw Paw teaches you how to be gentle with the horses and dogs, they all teach you about how to live and work with others. But … with the best of intentions, mom and dad and those others don’t always have time to teach you all they know. And some of us have parents who don’t teach us ANY of the good stuff.

And how many times have you been aghast at someone, silently asking “You don’t know THAT?? How have you gotten through life?” So you know there’s a need for it.

So what if you and people like you could collaborate on a sourcebook of things you’d like to know, or would like others to know. Helpful, self-empowering stuff. Protective stuff. Stuff that helped you get through life, that you really might not get anywhere else. Because failing learning it from your parents, you sure as hell won’t get it from Ice Road Truckers, or Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

I actually had a friend set up a Wiki for it, but then I failed to do my part, the actual writing. The idea was to start doing it, enough to give people the idea, and then enlist other smart/wise people to add to it, until we had our own source-book (and if you use the word “bible” I will come over and chainsaw the legs off all your chairs) of good ideas for daily living.

I kept on and kept on thinking I’d start, but I always put it off. Because I wanted it to be PERFECT.

Two years passed.

Then, yesterday, I realized I could start it on Facebook. Imperfectly, but regularly, posting little tidbits that would go into it. I even gave it its own hashtag: #TheBookofGoodLiving.

So here’s some of it. Incomplete. Lumpy. Imperfect. But hey, it’s a start.

BTW, the “Added comments” sections are a great example of how this is supposed to work in the final form. Everybody adds in the good stuff they know. The thing evolves, grows, and eventually you have a useful handbook for daily living. It’s definitely not meant to be a “do it this way or else” thing, but rather something you could refer to in those areas where you lacked expertise. Eventually — assuming you buy into this “Let’s create our own culture” thing — you could even tell your kids “Let’s see what The Book of Good Living says on that.”

 

#TheBookofGoodLiving – Being a Pedestrian

Walking on or near a roadway is a life or death situation, and your safety is YOUR responsibility. Yeah, the driver who hits you will be in big trouble, but YOU will be hospitalized or dead. It’s not a fair trade.

Watch traffic all the time you’re in or near the road. It’s a mistake to totally trust that approaching drivers 1) notice you, 2) are sober and/or sane, 3) are undistracted by texting, conversations, emotional storms, the radio/CD player, children or other passengers, 4) are unimpaired by vision problems, pain or age or illness, and 5) give a shit about your life and safety.

Walk facing traffic. It gives you time to react to the distracted driver who drifts onto the shoulder.

Be the guardian of friends and loved ones walking with you, even those older and more responsible. If they get hit or killed and you could have prevented it, you’ll feel guilty about it for the rest of your life. Children should walk farthest away from traffic, holding hands with an adult.

Cross the street in a way that doesn’t inconvenience drivers. They don’t dare hit you; don’t use that as license to delay them. Don’t start across when they have the light or the light is about to change.

When crossing the street, LOOK at the drivers stopped for the light. Meet their eyes and make sure they see you.

After a rainstorm, watch for puddles in the roadway that could splash you when drivers hit them.

Refer to: The Five Seconds Ahead Rule

 

#TheBookofGoodLiving – The Five Seconds Ahead Rule

If you could see just five seconds into the future, you’d never have another accident. In driving, in walking, in strolling to the coffee machine in the hallway, try to see five seconds ahead. Watch everything around you, the traffic, wildlife, motorcyclists, road conditions, people on cellphones, people walking, kids playing, construction workers carrying things, and react BEFORE any of those factors can cause an accident or inconvenience. Watch five seconds ahead for yourself, but also for the people around you, especially loved ones.

 

#‎TheBookofGoodLiving – The Doorway Rules

1) You don’t owe anyone an open door. It’s a complete courtesy; if you don’t feel like doing it, don’t do it. Having said that …
2) Open and hold doors for seniors.
3) Open and hold doors for handicapped people.
4) Open and hold doors for people carrying heavy loads.
5) Men: Open and hold doors for women, especially a woman carrying a baby or other burden.
6) If you’re holding the door for one person, make sure it doesn’t hit the next person when you let it go.
7) If someone opens or holds the door for you, say THANK YOU, smile and move on.
8) Don’t EXPECT thanks for door holding. It’s not about gratitude, it’s about creating a general atmosphere of social courtesy.
8) Teach your kids to open and hold doors for adults. Adults, smile and say “thank you” when a youngster opens a door for you.
9) If the door was closed when you got there, close it back. If it was open, leave it open … unless you know it’s meant to be closed.
10) In passing through a door or other tight space, the man/woman with the heavier/bulkier load always has the right of way.
11) Pay attention to doorway traffic. If other people are passing in and out, stand well out of the doorway.

Added comments:

Richard Wade: I diligently practice every one of these door rules, including #5. For me, that one is not about thinking that women are “weak” in some disparaging way; it’s about respect without condescension. It’s simply that often women are smaller and lighter than men, and doors in public buildings are often far too heavy and too strongly spring-loaded for any small or light person to easily open. Those doors are usually installed by big, strong men, and when those men test the doors, they think they open just fine.

I’ve seen women collide with such doors, assuming that they’d open easily, and the potential for injury to their shoulders is readily apparent. I’m of average height and weight for a male and still strong, and even I have painfully banged into such doors that failed to open as easily as I had expected.

It’s all about a generalized attitude of watchful courtesy for every other person who comes within my awareness. Doors and their etiquette are just a good metaphor for how we practice, or fail to practice the Golden Rule in every act of every day.

Chris Leithiser: I think #11 needs to be generalized. If you stop, whether in a car or on foot or in a supermarket, pay attention to your surroundings. Am I blocking an entrance or pathway? Can people get past me? Can I improve things by moving a bit further?

Dayla Reagan-Buell: Yes. I will always hold open a door for someone, doesn’t matter who. I also make sure the door is held for someone behind, and when hiking, hold branches so they do not thwack the person behind. Etiquette and manners never go out of style.

Kris Stade D’Arcy: I open doors for people when it seems to help them or just to be polite, male or female, child or adult. I always feel like doing it. Even if the person I opened the door for is cranky. Doesn’t cost me a thing. BUT — I think you need another rule, Hank. And that is “When an attractive woman reaches a door and you, a hetero male, are several feet behind her, she may question your motives if you race to the door in order to be able to open it before she gets there. So don’t do that!”

 

#‎TheBookofGoodLiving – The Tool Rules

1) Buy the best tools you can afford, and take care of them.
2) Never lend your tools out to anyone for any reason. If your friend needs to use a tool, go with him and help.
3) If you borrow a tool from someone, return it the instant you’re done with it. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not “later.” Now.
4) Return borrowed tools in the same or better condition. If you borrow a tool from someone and break it, you owe them a new one. If you borrow tools in good order, don’t return them in a jumble. If you borrow clean tools, don’t return them dirty. If you borrow sharp tools, don’t return them dull.
5) Never borrow a tool without asking.
6) Use the right tool for the job. If it doesn’t work, don’t force it. Get a better tool.
7) Think about what will happen if the tool slips. If you push something with all your strength and it slips, where will your hand go? What will happen to your leg, or your face, or your helper?
8) Treat tools with sharp edges like the potentially deadly things they are.

Added comments:

Gregg Bender: Good shop rules to live by. Also use an engraver to put your initials or name on the tools large enough to have a spot for them. It can help prevent later problems.

Mike Garber: Rule #1 (the 1st half) is nice if you have the money, but I think it has to be weighed against usage. For a tool you need personally for a single project, or need to use once per year, Harbor Fright is fine. For a tool used for your livelihood or use regularly, yes go for a good one!

Brent Rasmussen: Measure twice, cut once. (Or in my case, “measure twice, then measure 6 more times just to be sure, cut, erring on the side of caution, then trim to the cut line.” I know my limitations, and I make sure to work within them.)

 

For much of my life, I found it almost impossible to say NO to people. I got better at it in my later years, but I really perfected the skill when I started working with drug and alcohol abusers. So:

#TheBookofGoodLiving – Saying No

0) You don’t owe anybody a Yes.
1) If you don’t want to do it or stand by and have it happen, say No.
2) If you have doubts, say No.
3) If you’d like to think about it, and maybe say Yes later, say No now.
4) If you’re confused or uncertain about the thing, say No.
5) If you think you owe the person asking, but still don’t really want to do it, say No.
6) You don’t have to give a reason. Just say No.
7) You don’t have to defend it. Just say No.
8) You don’t have to feel guilty about it. Just say No.
9) Don’t reward high pressure pitches. If they push more than you feel comfortable with, say No … even if you want to say Yes.
9) If they ask again, and again, say No one more time, and then just walk away. Once people know you can say No and make it stick, it saves you time and trouble later.
10) You can smile and still say No.
11) If it’s for charity, and it’s a public request, but it’s not a charity that fits with your own personal values, say “Not at this time.”
12) If it’s an amazing, one-time, never-to-be-repeated offer, say No. If they want you to buy, they can damned well let you decide in your own time.
13) If you hadn’t already planned to say Yes, say No.
14) Even if everybody else is saying Yes, if you don’t want to say Yes, say No.
15) Unless you say Yes, and mean to say Yes, the answer is No. Just say it: No.

Added comments:

Traci Clark de Lorge: And if it’s high pressure, don’t explain yourself. That just gives the “salesman” fodder to pressure you more, by trying to “fix” the situation so that you’ll say yes. I’ve learned that silence is very powerful, and using it at the right time will often solve the problem. Also, if someone pushes and pushes, that’s an automatic no for me even if I had been considering it before. I hate that!

Dayla Reagan-Buell: We need to protect our boundaries. Other people must learn to respect that. Having no boundaries will make you miserable.

 

#TheBookofGoodLiving – The Gun Rules

Never aim a gun at a person unless you intend to kill them.
Never let the vector of a gun barrel accidentally intersect a person or animal.
Assume every gun is loaded until you know different. Check more than once.
Teach kids that the guns in the house are deadly serious business. Never assume children won’t find a hidden gun.
Never tuck a gun in your pants.
Never “play-fire” a gun.
“Before the liquor comes out, the guns go away.”

Added comments:

Hank Fox: This isn’t complete, of course. But it was what I – non-expert, but grown up in firearm culture – could come up with on the spot.

That bit about the kids comes from a time when you’d get your ass tanned if you even TOUCHED one of the guns in the house without permission. I’m not sure it quite applies in the “no-no, honey, daddy doesn’t want you doing that” era.

Gary Layng: Even after the gun’s been checked and cleared as unloaded, assume it’s still loaded.

Richard Lucas: Sounds very close to Jeff Cooper’s four rules. 1. All guns are loaded. 2. Never point a gun at anything you’re not willing to destroy. 3. Finger off the trigger until your sights are on the target. And 4. Be sure of your target and what lies beyond.

Jim Downey: Yeah, sticking with the “four rules” as a start may be a good idea, since they have become more or less standardized in the last decade or so. Adding in the other elements is a good supplement.

 

#TheBookofGoodLiving – The Knife Rule

When handling any sharp-edge instrument, never exert a force vector on the thing that intersects any part of your (or anyone else’s) body.

Meaning, always cut AWAY from yourself, and others. Never draw a knife toward yourself when you cut.

Added comments:

Chris Leithiser: Unless you’re shaving, and even then you want a TANGENT.

Traci Clark de Lorge: And never try to catch a dropped knife (words of wisdom from my dad oh so many years ago).

Brandon Morgan: Also learn how to sharpen knives and keep them sharp. Dull knives are unsafe.

 

#TheBookofGoodLiving – The Face Fur Rule

If the diner has a beard or mustache, he will need TWO napkins. Not one. TWO. Or more.

 

Does that last one seem silly? But it’s something *I* have to deal with fairly often. I don’t mind asking for extra napkins; I still wish restaurant waiters knew it ahead of time.

The point is, on big important things and small silly ones, there’s an awful lot of wisdom for daily living out here among us. Why not share it? And see where things go.